Cunk on Eurth

[Orioni]

Episode 1: Orioni

By Philomena Cunk (definitely not a fish)

Good evening, or morning, or whichever time zone you happen to be dozing in. I’m Philomena Cunk, here to deliver the very first episode of “Cunk on Eurth”. This is a groundbreaking mockumentary in which I, a mostly professional investigative reporter, explore the wonders of a planet called Eurth. It’s basically “Earth,” but with a “u” jammed in there, presumably because this is a special place that deserves a different vowel.

Today, for our debut episode, we’ll be diving straight into the kingdom -- actually, empire -- of Orioni. Prepare your mind for a glamorous tour of monarchy, Councillors, and a currency called the Pie, which is a real thing, unlike certain made-up monies I may or may not have invented at the till at Tesco.

Now, if you’ve never heard of Orioni, that makes two of us. I didn’t know it existed until I sat down and read an iiwiki page about it. Imagine my shock to learn it’s a large empire on Eurth. This begs the question: why do we only hear about places like “France” or “Brazil” in real life, but nobody corners you in the street to say, “Hey, let’s talk about Orioni”? Because apparently, Orioni is an important monarchy with many, many people, and I think it’s time we stop ignoring the big watery empire on the planet spelled with a “u.” Let’s examine these facts in a mildly confused but thoroughly enthusiastic fashion.

Where on Eurth is Orioni?

Now, you might be wondering, “Philomena, how do I visit Orioni?” Great question. Typically, you’d grab a plane or a boat and head to wherever Eurth is, presumably out there in an exotic dimension. Once you arrive in Orioni, you’d go through customs, possibly answer a question or two like “Are you here to dethrone the Empress?” Make sure to say no, or you won’t get that visa stamp.

Orioni takes up a considerable chunk of land off the southeastern coast of Europa, plus a scattering of islands. That’s a posh way of saying it’s really big. Big enough space to lose your keys a thousand times over and still not find them. It’s the largest country in its part of the world, though presumably not large enough to host a casual stroll from one coast to the other without packing a tent and a hamper of snacks. It covers about 1,155,853 square kilometres. If you’re like me and can’t handle numbers larger than your shoe size, imagine a blanket big enough to smother a few million cows, give or take a few. That’s Orioni.

Because Orioni is an island, the sea is never far away. It’s perfect for anyone who fancies aquatic activities, or just likes to stare wistfully at the horizon thinking, “Blimey, that’s a lot of water.” The climate varies enough to keep the locals from melting into one homogeneous puddle of sweat. Out near the coasts, you might enjoy gentle sea breezes. It gets more sweaty and sticky when you venture inland, and temperatures become cooler again when you get up the elevated inland areas. You might need both a sun hat and a sensible cardigan if you plan to explore every nook and cranny of this enormous domain.

The shoreline is dotted with ports where enormous ships lug goods to and from foreign lands, small fishing villages, and probably a few hidden coves where smugglers in historical dramas exchange suspicious packages by moonlight. For the ordinary Orinese person (that’s what citizens of Orioni are called), the sea is as integral to their life as breathing air or paying taxes.

At the heart of this empire sits O’polis, the capital city. This city is both an old jewel and a thriving metropolitan hive. If you want big lights, big crowds, and big everything, O’polis is your one-stop shop. We’ll get to the politics later, but for now, just picture a royal city that’s as likely to dazzle your eyeballs as it is to confuse them. There’s so much going on, you might wonder if your corneas can handle the spectacle.

From tiny Queendom to sprawling Empire

Now that we’ve located Orioni on a map -- somewhere down in that southeastern chunk of land -- let’s hop into a battered time machine and see how it became such a big deal. The empire’s history is jam-packed with merges, expansions, alliances, and probably loads of fancy dinners. Like many mighty nations, it started smaller, with local rulers who eventually realised that uniting under a single, imposing crown was far more effective than squabbling over trifles.

Early Orinese societies formed city-states, each with its own traditions and languages. Over centuries, the most ambitious and cunning of these leaders managed to consolidate power, forging an empire that spanned broad swaths of territory. Imagine a game of chess, except the board is an island, and every piece is a little city-state that gets gobbled up until only one big blob remains: Orioni.

The monarchy itself is a lineage that’s withstood the test of time. Whether it was through diplomatic marriages, economic alliances, or maybe just plain old conquest, Orioni gradually expanded to its current vastness. Each newly acquired region brought cultural diversity, fresh resources, and an opportunity for the reigning monarch to pat themselves on the back and say, “Jolly good show.” By the time modern history rolled around, Orioni had settled into a constitutional monarchy that was large, in charge, and evidently quite proud of its watery borders.

The Lady-led Land

Speaking of the monarchy: Empress Joni I of the House of Nabérrie is in charge, ruling Orioni with a somewhat authoritative but presumably benevolent hand. She’s not a figurehead who merely waves from a balcony while munching on cucumber sandwiches. She calls the shots like how a conductor leads an orchestra, except with more official decrees and fewer violins, though possibly the same level of drama.

In Orioni, top-level leadership is straightforward: the Empress sits at the apex of power, presumably perched on a magnificently ornate throne. Beneath her are the high-ranking officials known as Councillors because in Orioni they don’t have “ministers” or “secretaries”; they have Councillors. This bit is crucial if you ever write a letter to the Orinese government. Addressing it to “Minister of Something” might get you a polite but firm note saying, “We’re Councillors. Please update your archaic foreign vocabulary.”

Because Orioni is a big player on Eurth, it has extensive foreign relations. Meanwhile, the Orinese navy ensures no foreign power encroaches on its maritime claims. So, if you happen to be messing about near the Orient with ill intent, watch out. The Imperial Orinese Navy might show up and say, “Oi, that’s not yours,” but in Oharic. Then they’ll fine you in Orinese Phi.

Pay with Pie

Now, let’s sink our teeth into something absolutely crucial: money. Or, as the locals say, Orinese Phi. It’s almost pronounced like “pie,” which is either brilliant or borderline comedic. Like your grandmother telling you to pay for the Sunday roast with “three and a half pies”.

Picture strolling through an O’polis market, where vendors line the streets selling everything from sizzling street food to overpriced carved souvenirs. You approach a stall brimming with fruit, or fish, or possibly fruit stuffed with fish. You point to something you fancy, and the vendor says, “That’ll be ten Phi, good sir or madam.” And you respond, “Ten Pie? That’s a bargain. Do I get ice cream with that?”

Confusion aside, the Orinese Phi is the empire’s official currency, enabling the day-to-day transactions of some 143 million people. That’s a lot of pocket money floating around. Because Orioni is an economic heavyweight, thanks in part to maritime trade and resource extraction, the Phi is generally considered stable. Unless you keep imagining it as actual slices of pastry, in which case your bank statements might look like a dessert menu.

Tongue-twisters

Money’s not the only thing that keeps Orioni ticking. Its population is a diverse mix spread across 19 provinces, each with its own local customs, dialects, and interpretations of day-to-day life. The official language is Oharic, which sounds like something you’d order at a fancy coffee shop: “I’ll have an Oharic latte with extra froth, please.”

What’s day-to-day existence like in Orioni? Well, city folk in O’polis might hurry through crowded streets, fuelled by a quick breakfast purchased with one or two “pies.” Meanwhile, rural communities in the hinterlands or out on far-flung islands lead a gentler pace of life, farming rice or fishing, or possibly herding goats. Because goats are universal.

So, that’s Orioni in a seashell. If you ever find yourself longing for a tropical monarchy that merges centuries of tradition with a dash of modern swirl, Orioni might just be your perfect port of call. Provided you can locate it on a map of Eurth, which, of course, is entirely different from Earth. Sort of.

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This has been Philomena Cunk, reporting from the planet Eurth. In the episodes to come, I’ll be travelling the length and breadth of Eurth (in my imagination or otherwise) to uncover other extraordinary nations. Join me next time on “Cunk on Eurth” when I continue my quest to figure out what makes this planet tick.