news Collective Bureau of Communication of the Central Government of Dazhdinia

[Walneria]

The Collective Bureau of Communication of the Central Government of Dazhdinia (Dazhdin: Kolektıvneje Byro Razgъląsov Strědnaje Vlady Federacje Daẑinıja/Колективнеѥ Быро Разгълꙙсов Стрєднаѥ Влады Федерацје Даҗіния) is the official press office of the Central Government of Dazhdinia merged with a news network that is meant to pass on the news reports produced by public companies on the regional and state levels onto the federal level. It is a semi-independent body with parallel system where press activity of the organization itself is controlled by the government, but its reporting on activities of other news agencies is completely independent, making it a strange mix of independent media conglomerate, a government media office and a press office.

The following thread will share some of the programming shared by this network, most of which is mandatory based on federal laws of Dazhdinia.

[Walneria]

From a Ustokan TV late night show “Water distribution plant and lefthandies” (In Ustokan “Hydrocentrála a levoruce”, a parody name of the former communist slogan “Internacionála a revoluce”, literally meaning “The Internationale and the Revolution”); broadcast from November 19th, 2023:

[Excerpt from minute 19 of air time, previous topic was failing federal policy of economic integration]

TV Host: “Today, we will be focusing on Walneria, that capitalist devil and apparently our best friend now.”

Laughter

TV Host: “One can not think about Walneria without considering it a sort of anti-Dazhdinia. They have a good economy, we don't. They were democratic, we were communist. They don't fall to pieces because they have guns, we don't fall to pieces because we don't have any…”

Laughter

TV Host: “But sometimes, even them fail to get a grasp on what they are doing. Their main weakness is, that they often misjudge the character of their immediate neighborhood. For example: They still think that we eat their sausages voluntarily…”

Laughter

TV Host: “… When in fact we eat it because it's a level up from our papier-mâché meat to at least something that is barely edible. At most, that is.”

Laughter

TV Host: “But with that said, the biggest blunder they had was with Velaheria. I believe you all remember the economic war that Walneria stated between Velaheria and Velaheria…”

Laughter

TV Host: “But for those which might've forgotten, here is a quick rundown in poetic personifications. Please welcome, Lady Walneria and Comrade Velaheria!”

Clapping; Walneria is a young woman with brightly pink dyed hair in a business casual dress and a phone with an absurdly large keychain on which a money bill hangs in one hand and a beer-flavoured smoothie in the other; Velaheria is dressed in a unfitting military uniform and has a visibly very old pistol in the right hand

Velaheria: “Walneria, check this cool thing I just invented!”

Laughter as Velaheria swings the gun with a complete disregard for safety in Walneria's face, pointing it at her

Walneria: “I would rather you didn't”

Velaheria: “Oh YEAH? Since when do Walnerians dictate is what to do, I can point wherever I want!”

Walneria: “Ok I but please sober up. Have you found a job yet, or do you still need my money? When are you paying me back?”

Velaheria: “Oh, don't tell me what to do! You want to destroy me. You want to shoot me? You want to shoot me? You want this???”

Velaheria shoots himself in the foot, followed by laughter

Velaheria (towards audience): See what Walneria did to me? I'm being repressed!

Laughter

TV Host: “Now, with this said, let's focus on how our fellow Ustokans are doing across the Granite Mountains in the Blanov Valley.”

[Excerpt ends]