Kubism is now an officially recognised religion
Alphonse von Wallenstein, 09 December 2018 15:12
Pictured: A young "kommando" paying his respects to the Murder Cube at the Prince Willem Museum (2004)
The Department of State officially recognised Kubism as a religion on Thursday after more than 50,000 Rhodellians (roughly 0.5% of the population) declared themselves as 'Kubists' in the 2018 census. Kubism was (originally) an ironic pseudo-religion centred around the worship of 'The Murder Kube' and the glorification of violence. 'The Murder Kube' is an unofficial name ascribed to an unnamed 2004 art piece created by Peace Movement-affiliated artist Norm Alfred. It is a large, hollow cube meshed together from hundreds of decommissioned firearms. It is currently housed in the Prince Willem Museum, Gottesberg. Alfred originally envisioned the art piece as a lasting monument to peace through the destruction of weapons of war. But as beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, this was not to be. At some point in the late 2000s, an image of the art piece was posted in a 'gun gore' thread on the 'Weapons' board of a popular anonymous imageboard with the intent of shocking its users. It had the opposite effect. Users of the board instead began (ironically) revering it as a pseudo-deity and a physical manifestation of war and violence (past, present, and future). They went as far as to write lore, songs, and slogans in The Murder Kube's name, the most famous being 'Ave Nex Alea'. In the early 2010s, the Murder Kube (along with Kubism) leaked onto the mainstream Rhodellian internet as a popular internet meme aligning with Rhodellia's martial culture and conflict-rife history.
By 2015, Alfred's art piece would eventually become the unlikely pilgrimage site of many thousands of young Rhodellian netizens. They would not be Alfred's fellow Peace Movement activists. Instead, these unintended visitors would come wearing gas masks, plate carriers, and meme patches. They would sling old surplus rifles (jokingly referred to as “nuggets”) on their backs and wear bayonets on their belts. Each would typically kneel to the great monolith, offering tributes ranging from cans of Chef Royardee to 'milk for the cornflakes'. Together they would chant "Ave Nex Alea" or "Cheeki Breeki", among other tongue-in-cheek slogans and pop culture references . They saw no symbol of peace, but a glorious tribute to death and destruction. To them, this was their almighty monolith: The Murder Kube, or "kube" for short.
Every year, hundreds of thousands of young Rhodellians embark on pilgrimages to pray to the Murder Kube. This makes it the Prince Willem Museum's star exhibit as well as one of the most popular tourist sites in the entire country. Pilgrims now come from all walks of life, not just users of the anonymous imageboard where the Murder Kube originally gained traction. They range from students wishing for the best marks on their school marksmanship exams; to conscripts entering National Service after college; to boots praying for success as professional soldiers, marines, airmen, and sailors. This tourism facilitated growth throughout Gottesberg. The Prince Willem Museum greatly expanded its facilities and transferred the Murder Cube into bigger halls of residence at multiple points. The Gottesberg City Council still works to rapidly upgrade road, rail, and tram infrastructure all over Gottesberg to increase their capacity. The city's tourist and hospitality industries expanded to cater to the year-wide influx of pilgrims. None of this shows any sign of slowing. What started out as an in-joke from some shady corner of the internet has since grown into a staple of Rhodellian popular culture.
News of Kubism's acceptance as an officially recognised religion went viral across the Rhodellian internet. Thousands took to social media to express their joy or disbelief. The majority of responses appear positive thus far with many Rhodellians netizens celebrating this development as a cultural victory. On the other hand, many other internet users felt more skeptical, disappointed, or concerned. Alfred himself said in an interview with RNN that “the joke went too far” and that Kubism’s recent recognition as a valid religion was a "letdown to the many other smaller and unrecognised cultures present in our richly diverse and multicultural nation”. Notorious conscientious objector and Peace Movement spokeswoman Halfrid Weber said in another RNN interview that "the acceptance of [Kubism] as an officially recognised religion accomplishes nothing. It will only reinforce negative stereotypes about Rhodellian people and culture. Hasn't the rest of the wurld laughed at us enough?". Whatever people have to say about Kubism's new status, countless young devotees (whether ironic or unironic) will continue to embark on long pilgrimages just to see the Murder Kube and praise its glorious name wherever they may be. From the look of things, it seems that the Murder Kube, Rhodellia’s unofficial patron deity, is here to stay.
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An Dangerous Duty
Kasper blended down. He grabbed his binoculars from his backpack, and peeked through it. “See anyone?” His partner Noah asked. “Nothing, except white ice” Kasper firmly responded. “I betcha we’re close. Since October, we Environmental Security Agents had seen double the amount of poachers hunting polar bears, we’re in an area where tons poachers were spotted” Noah assured to Kasper, nudging him. “So this is what being some dumb agent for some useless agency feels like” He grumbled.
“I dunno what you’re brain is talking about. I mean this job requires a lot of skill, including patience though perhaps we can try moving east. In the news, I heard about an particularly dangerous poacher named Matheo, and he has an gang.” Noah offered, trying to get Kasper’s attention. “Sounds good. But isn’t Oliver the professional agent already chasing him down?”
“I had briefings that he was hired to take down Matheo, but not if he’s down with that stupid flu”
“That better prove that Oliver shouldn’t be playdoing during an assignment. Anyway, catching this Matheo dude seems perfect for us” Kasper eagerly replied. He picked up his backpack of supplies, and started moving.
Noah and Oliver started moving. They walked east in the cold weather, and even with their heavy coats, they can still feel the coldness. While they agreed it wasn’t the ideal situation for such work, they were determined to catch Matheo. They started to jog, until they reached their destination.
”Ah, so this is where this scum gang is, they better be watch’n out” Noah cheered.
“Hey, what ya doing here” a voice appeared, yelling at them both.
“Catching criminals that suck” Kasper replied, trying to hide his fear. It was too late. He turned around, and stared. There was Matheo. He was pointing an hunting gun at both of them.
“Yeah damn little people, you shall be cursed by god and the universe for interfering with my business. Now see ya in heaven” He cursed at them, and started to pull the trigger. Before the bullet fired, Noah jumped and smacked at the gun, making it fall below. The bullet then hit Matheo, and he fell down in pools of blood.
“looks like it was harder, though more exciting then I thought” they said in unison. It was sure an accomplishment to celebrate, and one that the news would capture……..
Qaraic Ministry of Resources Begins Talks with MMC
MAY 22, 2003 - Following new prospection of the Lake Qasqatuu region, the Majaca Mining Corporation has announced that it has begun negotiations with the Qaraic Ministry of Resources to purchase the land rights to the region.
The Maangqu area, of the Lower Kuulna, has recently been found in 2002 geological surveys to hold a great deal of untapped mineral resources, particularly copper and gold. The QMR, up until the announcement of MMC collaboration, has held out on providing the land rights to the region, despite the great deal of domestic and foreign companies willing to purchase them.
In a statement to the press, MMC spokesman Cavier Maltez has stated that “the Majaca Mining Corporation plans to develop the Qasqatuu gold deposits will create jobs and income for the region, which will reinvigorate the local economy.” The statement also expressed hope that the deal will “pave the way for further cooperation and shared prosperity with the United Dumaaqdoms.”
QMR Premier Naalqadu Raada has reciprocated the MMC’s cooperation in a similar press statement, stating that “the Qasqatuu developments will be the first of many new investments in the Lower Kuulna, as we begin to more thoroughly explore the greater Maangqu region for untapped mineral deposits.” However, Raada also stated that accusations of “selling out Qaraic land” were “entirely unfounded,” adding that “the QMR will endeavor to create new economic opportunities with foreign investors, but will not neglect local development in this aim.”