John Cleese's Letter to America

[Orioni]

(Taken from a message on Equilism by Sub-Actuality)

---

To the citizens of the United States of America:

 

In the light of your failure to elect a competent

President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we

hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume

monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and

other territories. Except Utah, which she does not

fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony

Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now

been unaware that there is a world outside your

borders) will appoint a minister for America without

the need for further elections. Congress and the

Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be

circulated next year to determine whether any of you

noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown

Dependency, the following rules are introduced with

immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford

English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check

the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just

how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter

'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more

than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn

to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'

(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"

will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn

that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.

Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as

'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct

pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your

vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with

filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps'

in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough

to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.

When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you

won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will

let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft

spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the

reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and

Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English

accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit

or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish

dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast

with subtitles. While we're talking about regions,

you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is

"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all

American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,

Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast

English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be

required to cast English actors to play English

characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving

Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered

down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't

cope with the humour of occasional political

incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem,

"God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying

out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and

give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football". There

is only one kind of football. What you refer to as

American "football" is not a very good game. The

2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world

outside your borders may have noticed that no one

else plays "American" football. You will no longer be

allowed to play it, and should instead play proper

football. Initially, it would be best if you played

with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you

brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby

(which is similar to American "football", but does not

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or

wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are

hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side

by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not

reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'

for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is

understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed

to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball

without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector

cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.

Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to

handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a

permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in

public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November

2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in

England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap

and it is for your own good. When we show you German

cars, you will understand what we mean. All road

intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You

will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate

effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand

the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things

you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't

even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you

(including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut

and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment

to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup

will be added to all tea made within the doubled for

tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling

beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From

November 1st only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and

accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will

henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's

Urine", with the exception of the product of the

American Budweiser company whose product will be

referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".

This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for

the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be

sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol or

"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it

until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The

UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former

USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK

petrol gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without

using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you

need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're

not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only

be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a

therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a

gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving

us crazy.

 

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's

sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Tax

collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with

you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues

due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

 

John Cleese

[Tagmatium Rules]

Too bloody right. I think that is really good. I'm now off to Floridashire as I don't need a passport anymore.

[Meteorola]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that before... and from Americans...

 

*YAWN*

[ellezelles]

very good to tell your source o.

 

 

[Haken]

It was also on the ns General forum some time ago.

[Europa]

Ah, the famous British humour (no offence to any Brits out there)... It's pretty funny (no offence to Americans here)

 

 

[Senator Gaius]

It's true. It's not that i don't like America, but...

[Phil VII]

ah brillient, i'm sure ive seen it before somewhere, but its still funny, number 11 is hilarious!...

 

Was it actulyl John Cleese who started it or just someone sticking his name on the end...

[Stoned Smurfs]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHOLLY CRAP I JUST sh*t ON MY SELF THAT WAS SOO FUNNY!!!! THE BRITISH THINK THEY ACUTALLY HAVE HUMOR!!! HAHAHAHA... ok ok im sorry, ill be nice. i know a gay guy who finds the british funny. but you gotta admit, its halarious when the brits try to be funny, eh, they even think that they are!!! heehee, i think they even tricked themselfs into thinkin they are, LMFAO!!!!!

 

but as for the read it was quite boring. and yay soccer rocks huh, if it wasnt for the buck wild fans it would blow ass. whats with the really short shorts? ewww.

 

oh oh PS, and didnt we pretty much make her majesty our b*tch in 1776?

[Nevareion]

Think that was George III, the mad one, he got quite irate about it

Nevermind, you missed your chance to be like Canada

[Senator Gaius]

The americans may mock our sense of humour, but where would you be without us? In fact, some of you would be us if we didn't have some incompetant generals.

 

What's wrong with short shorts, pot?

[Koku]

Ha ha! Thanks for sharing the laugh

 

Another gag of Carlin "President Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was some time after he had carefully arranged and started the war."

 

[Spyder]

Think that was George III, the mad one, he got quite irate about it

Nevermind, you missed your chance to be like Canada

yea and you miss your chance on some real beer

[Phil VII]

wait, wait, an american mocking british humour? thats a new one on me...

 

and as for mocking 'short shorts' in football (soccer to you guys), how can you mock that when american footballers wear helmets, body armour, and tights... if you're going to play the 'football is for pussies' card, try playing rugby, the game US football is based on, its less armour, more blood, and more populer.

 

and as for mocking british humor... yes, because american humor is so much the envy of the world, from the nation that bought us the simpsons, Fraisier, and Friends was okuntil the last few series... i cant think of any more decent american comedies off the top of my head, whereas, British ones, that are as funny today as when they were first made, we have hundreds... Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, Dads Army, Monty Python, Only fools and horses, Coupling....the list goes on...

 

And anyone who can find Will and Grace funny after 3 episodes deserves to be shot...

[Orioni]

Blackadder, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, Dads Army, Monty Python, Only fools and horses, Coupling....the list goes on...

Amen to that my friend!

[Meteorola]

Just ignore him. He's from Indianapolis, "the mistake in a corn field".

 

If you are going to talk to him, you first need to explain what a REAL city is. Then you can move on to explaining humor.

 

You understand you all are talking to someone who sits in front of FOX NEWS all day drinking beer and watching NASCAR while chanting "USA! USA! USA!"

 

Never will get people from the other side of the mountains.

 

oh yeah and...

MONTY PYTHON IS THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE WORLD.

...ok I'm spent.

 

(No hard feelings, Pot, I'm just from a blue state that lost its first football team in the middle of the night on Mayflower trucks to your red state. I have to toss these things out when I can...)

[Stoned Smurfs]

wow theres corn in Indy? maybe in a can at Kroger but other than that i cant see none. as for the loss of your football team, WHHHAAAAAA, but then again i guess football fans from your state are used to cryin huh? as for the short shorts, dont know how you guys are packin but my manhood is too large for those shorts. and as for armor and helmets, being closer to kingdoms than i am i figured you could respect knights in armor. if football is for pussies then soccer is for fags (and im not talking about cigs). "other side of the mountian", are you bitter about Shaq? this has got to be the funniest thread around this place, short shorts and the meantioning of will and grace has made this thread really "funny".

 

LMFAO!!! monty python, lol! and the reason you can name great ones is because any british with only a portion of humor is halirious to u guys!

[Byzantium Nova]

Actually I find all anglosaxon humor bit weird. American is lame but English is funny(no offence anyone, this is just my opinion). Funnier still is Finnish humor as political (or any other correctness in many series) is not killing the fun.

 

In fact there is one funny american TV-series. The Simpsons......

 

....dubbed in german.

[Tagmatium Rules]

What is it with the "Anglo-Saxon" stuff? There hasn't been any true Anglo-Saxons since the Vikings started settling here in 800's. The came the Normans (more Vikings) and everyone else after. I don't see why (some) Americans call themselves Anglo-Saxons.

[Byzantium Nova]

*shrugs*

 

I use that term to refer brits, americans, canadians, australians newzealanders etc.

[Byzantium Nova]

... like all others in here use.

[Tagmatium Rules]

I retract my last statement.

[Byzantium Nova]

and I specify: In here I mean Finland. Almost everyone I talk with uses that term.

[Phil VII]

Yes, being in britain, we did used to fight in armour and helmets 500-600 years ago, the difference being, your players wear more armour to play a sporting game with than our army does to go to war in...

 

the reason why we can name so many greats is because...well...we have produced so many great comediens, and practicly all the comedies i have mentioned are populer over in the US as well as far as i know, whereas the simpsons is one of the only actully funny US series shown over here...

[Nevareion]

What is it with the "Anglo-Saxon" stuff? There hasn't been any true Anglo-Saxons since the Vikings started settling here in 800's. The came the Normans (more Vikings) and everyone else after. I don't see why (some) Americans call themselves Anglo-Saxons.

The English are still genetically 90% celtic as well.