Kubism is now an officially recognised religion
Alphonse von Wallenstein, 09 December 2018 15:12
Pictured: A young "kommando" paying his respects to the Murder Cube at the Prince Willem Museum (2004)
The Department of State officially recognised Kubism as a religion on Thursday after more than 50,000 Rhodellians (roughly 0.5% of the population) declared themselves as 'Kubists' in the 2018 census. Kubism was (originally) an ironic pseudo-religion centred around the worship of 'The Murder Kube' and the glorification of violence. 'The Murder Kube' is an unofficial name ascribed to an unnamed 2004 art piece created by Peace Movement-affiliated artist Norm Alfred. It is a large, hollow cube meshed together from hundreds of decommissioned firearms. It is currently housed in the Prince Willem Museum, Gottesberg. Alfred originally envisioned the art piece as a lasting monument to peace through the destruction of weapons of war. But as beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, this was not to be. At some point in the late 2000s, an image of the art piece was posted in a 'gun gore' thread on the 'Weapons' board of a popular anonymous imageboard with the intent of shocking its users. It had the opposite effect. Users of the board instead began (ironically) revering it as a pseudo-deity and a physical manifestation of war and violence (past, present, and future). They went as far as to write lore, songs, and slogans in The Murder Kube's name, the most famous being 'Ave Nex Alea'. In the early 2010s, the Murder Kube (along with Kubism) leaked onto the mainstream Rhodellian internet as a popular internet meme aligning with Rhodellia's martial culture and conflict-rife history.
By 2015, Alfred's art piece would eventually become the unlikely pilgrimage site of many thousands of young Rhodellian netizens. They would not be Alfred's fellow Peace Movement activists. Instead, these unintended visitors would come wearing gas masks, plate carriers, and meme patches. They would sling old surplus rifles (jokingly referred to as “nuggets”) on their backs and wear bayonets on their belts. Each would typically kneel to the great monolith, offering tributes ranging from cans of Chef Royardee to 'milk for the cornflakes'. Together they would chant "Ave Nex Alea" or "Cheeki Breeki", among other tongue-in-cheek slogans and pop culture references . They saw no symbol of peace, but a glorious tribute to death and destruction. To them, this was their almighty monolith: The Murder Kube, or "kube" for short.
Every year, hundreds of thousands of young Rhodellians embark on pilgrimages to pray to the Murder Kube. This makes it the Prince Willem Museum's star exhibit as well as one of the most popular tourist sites in the entire country. Pilgrims now come from all walks of life, not just users of the anonymous imageboard where the Murder Kube originally gained traction. They range from students wishing for the best marks on their school marksmanship exams; to conscripts entering National Service after college; to boots praying for success as professional soldiers, marines, airmen, and sailors. This tourism facilitated growth throughout Gottesberg. The Prince Willem Museum greatly expanded its facilities and transferred the Murder Cube into bigger halls of residence at multiple points. The Gottesberg City Council still works to rapidly upgrade road, rail, and tram infrastructure all over Gottesberg to increase their capacity. The city's tourist and hospitality industries expanded to cater to the year-wide influx of pilgrims. None of this shows any sign of slowing. What started out as an in-joke from some shady corner of the internet has since grown into a staple of Rhodellian popular culture.
News of Kubism's acceptance as an officially recognised religion went viral across the Rhodellian internet. Thousands took to social media to express their joy or disbelief. The majority of responses appear positive thus far with many Rhodellians netizens celebrating this development as a cultural victory. On the other hand, many other internet users felt more skeptical, disappointed, or concerned. Alfred himself said in an interview with RNN that “the joke went too far” and that Kubism’s recent recognition as a valid religion was a "letdown to the many other smaller and unrecognised cultures present in our richly diverse and multicultural nation”. Notorious conscientious objector and Peace Movement spokeswoman Halfrid Weber said in another RNN interview that "the acceptance of [Kubism] as an officially recognised religion accomplishes nothing. It will only reinforce negative stereotypes about Rhodellian people and culture. Hasn't the rest of the wurld laughed at us enough?". Whatever people have to say about Kubism's new status, countless young devotees (whether ironic or unironic) will continue to embark on long pilgrimages just to see the Murder Kube and praise its glorious name wherever they may be. From the look of things, it seems that the Murder Kube, Rhodellia’s unofficial patron deity, is here to stay.
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KANZLER VON OSTLAND INJURED AFTER ATTEMPTED ASSASSINATION
IN TAVLIGA TODAY THE KANZLER WAS SHOT TWICE IN THE ABDOMEN BY AN UNIDENTIFIED ASSAILANT. The Kanzler was shot at around 10:30 AM as he was leaving Tavliga Palace after a meeting with the Grand Duke. The would be assassin used a handgun to shoot Kanzler von Ostland twice, once in the thigh and once in the abdomen. The man was shot on the spot by Palace guards and is believed to have now died, however another man was seen running from the scene just prior to the shooting, and it is unknown whether he is involved. The Kanzler was rushed to the Royal Wilhelm Hospital by an Army ambulance, where he received first aid. A spokesperson at the hospital stated that the Kanzler was no longer in critical condition but remains unconscious.
This comes after a series of threats from the Rebel group, Native Baltian People’s Army, which advocate for the abolition of the Grand Duchy, and the creation of “ethnically pure” baltian states. The NBPA are against the Dolchic Baltians having the most power and wealth in the country, despite them being the largest ethnic group. In 2007 the NBPA took over the town of Helsing, and killed all of the Dolchic Baltians before Special forces stormed the town hall and took out the fighters. According to Transbaltian intelligence, leader of the NBPA, Miklos Herthon, was ousted in an internal coup last month, the current leader is unknown.
The Grand Duke was transported to an unknown location by helicopter after the shooting, he has not yet returned but is supposed to be making a speech later today. The armed forces have been placed on alert across the country, and two naval destroyers have been recalled from anti-piracy missions. The unknown man running from the scene is still being searched for, and the city of Tavliga is being shut off by police and Landswehr. It is unknown yet who is in control of the government, as there is no official line of succession for the Kanzler. The government is expected to make a statement soon.
The National Courier
Varnar ammunition depot near Skógheim has exploded.
This morning, around 11am, the Varnar ammunition depot near Skógheim has exploded which set fire to the whole complex and destroyed multiple buildings in the base. The fire itself has not gone out yet and the depot is still burning and occasionally detonating any remaining munitions that launch off to multiple directions. The base was ordered to be evacuated shortly after the detection of fire and explosions alongside any settlement or town within 10km radius of the base. Currently the local towns are still being evacuated and the evacuation is expected to last the whole day. Once the area is evacuated, the jarl of Konallandi has ordered a restricted zone alongside a no fly zone to be established in the 10km radius area of the base to prevent any further casualties. While the civilians are to be evacuated, the emergency responders were also deployed to go into the base with armored vehicles and evacuate any survivors in the base, due to the high risk, only volunteers have been tasked with the operation. Once the rescuers arrived on the scene, they reported most of the warehouses to be completly destroyed except a few warehouses, that have only recently caught fire, alongside with many of the fences being damaged, the barrackses were reported to be burning and on the verge of collapse, with only the outer barrackses still being mostly intact, protected by the inner buildings. The courtyard is reported to be full of craters covered in body parts and building parts and just barely drivable. It is estimated that very few garrisoned in the depot, survived the initial explosion and any survivors are expected to be injured and in quick need of medical assistance.
The evacuation itself is being carried out by busses, helicopters were also requsted from the Valkyrjur but due to the now fly zone, that was added because of the risk of any munition hitting the helicopter, the request was denied. Residents themselves are requested to use a personal vehicle to leave the area if possible and only use the bus if they do not have access to a personal vehicle so that they would not slow down the evacuation. Varnar advises haste for the evacuation and caution for any missiles or bullets that may still launch from the depot from all the heat. It is believed that the warehouses, that have not exploded yet, are mostly filled with small arms munition and anti tank missiles alongside with tank shells.
The cause of this explosion is unknown, however some report seeing a line of smoke going to that area and it has been confirmed that the Prymontian military was doing a military exercise near the border around the same time, as such there is rumors going around that this explosion was caused by the Prymontian military. The government has neither confirmed nor denied this claim, however it is assumed that they believe this claim to be true, because the queen called for a meeting with the prime minister of Prymont Felix Frey at the border in the classified location in the middle of the forest west of Skógheim. It is unknown what the motive for such an attack could be nor why they would only shoot 1 missile or shell at the depot. The locals lean to believe the claim that it was caused by prymont however the minister of foreign affairs asks the people not to make any assumptions on something that has not been confirmed and that it might aswell have been carelessness of the garrison, the minister of defence does not believe it to be carelessness of what he claims to be one of the best trained soldiers in the wurld and leans to believe it to be the western neighbor with many of the jarls and the locals.
The Queen has been reported to have already left Atha and is assumed to be driving to the secret location in the forest for the meeting.