Kubism is now an officially recognised religion
Alphonse von Wallenstein, 09 December 2018 15:12
Pictured: A young "kommando" paying his respects to the Murder Cube at the Prince Willem Museum (2004)
The Department of State officially recognised Kubism as a religion on Thursday after more than 50,000 Rhodellians (roughly 0.5% of the population) declared themselves as 'Kubists' in the 2018 census. Kubism was (originally) an ironic pseudo-religion centred around the worship of 'The Murder Kube' and the glorification of violence. 'The Murder Kube' is an unofficial name ascribed to an unnamed 2004 art piece created by Peace Movement-affiliated artist Norm Alfred. It is a large, hollow cube meshed together from hundreds of decommissioned firearms. It is currently housed in the Prince Willem Museum, Gottesberg. Alfred originally envisioned the art piece as a lasting monument to peace through the destruction of weapons of war. But as beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, this was not to be. At some point in the late 2000s, an image of the art piece was posted in a 'gun gore' thread on the 'Weapons' board of a popular anonymous imageboard with the intent of shocking its users. It had the opposite effect. Users of the board instead began (ironically) revering it as a pseudo-deity and a physical manifestation of war and violence (past, present, and future). They went as far as to write lore, songs, and slogans in The Murder Kube's name, the most famous being 'Ave Nex Alea'. In the early 2010s, the Murder Kube (along with Kubism) leaked onto the mainstream Rhodellian internet as a popular internet meme aligning with Rhodellia's martial culture and conflict-rife history.
By 2015, Alfred's art piece would eventually become the unlikely pilgrimage site of many thousands of young Rhodellian netizens. They would not be Alfred's fellow Peace Movement activists. Instead, these unintended visitors would come wearing gas masks, plate carriers, and meme patches. They would sling old surplus rifles (jokingly referred to as “nuggets”) on their backs and wear bayonets on their belts. Each would typically kneel to the great monolith, offering tributes ranging from cans of Chef Royardee to 'milk for the cornflakes'. Together they would chant "Ave Nex Alea" or "Cheeki Breeki", among other tongue-in-cheek slogans and pop culture references . They saw no symbol of peace, but a glorious tribute to death and destruction. To them, this was their almighty monolith: The Murder Kube, or "kube" for short.
Every year, hundreds of thousands of young Rhodellians embark on pilgrimages to pray to the Murder Kube. This makes it the Prince Willem Museum's star exhibit as well as one of the most popular tourist sites in the entire country. Pilgrims now come from all walks of life, not just users of the anonymous imageboard where the Murder Kube originally gained traction. They range from students wishing for the best marks on their school marksmanship exams; to conscripts entering National Service after college; to boots praying for success as professional soldiers, marines, airmen, and sailors. This tourism facilitated growth throughout Gottesberg. The Prince Willem Museum greatly expanded its facilities and transferred the Murder Cube into bigger halls of residence at multiple points. The Gottesberg City Council still works to rapidly upgrade road, rail, and tram infrastructure all over Gottesberg to increase their capacity. The city's tourist and hospitality industries expanded to cater to the year-wide influx of pilgrims. None of this shows any sign of slowing. What started out as an in-joke from some shady corner of the internet has since grown into a staple of Rhodellian popular culture.
News of Kubism's acceptance as an officially recognised religion went viral across the Rhodellian internet. Thousands took to social media to express their joy or disbelief. The majority of responses appear positive thus far with many Rhodellians netizens celebrating this development as a cultural victory. On the other hand, many other internet users felt more skeptical, disappointed, or concerned. Alfred himself said in an interview with RNN that “the joke went too far” and that Kubism’s recent recognition as a valid religion was a "letdown to the many other smaller and unrecognised cultures present in our richly diverse and multicultural nation”. Notorious conscientious objector and Peace Movement spokeswoman Halfrid Weber said in another RNN interview that "the acceptance of [Kubism] as an officially recognised religion accomplishes nothing. It will only reinforce negative stereotypes about Rhodellian people and culture. Hasn't the rest of the wurld laughed at us enough?". Whatever people have to say about Kubism's new status, countless young devotees (whether ironic or unironic) will continue to embark on long pilgrimages just to see the Murder Kube and praise its glorious name wherever they may be. From the look of things, it seems that the Murder Kube, Rhodellia’s unofficial patron deity, is here to stay.
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KANZLER VON OSTLAND INJURED AFTER ATTEMPTED ASSASSINATION
IN TAVLIGA TODAY THE KANZLER WAS SHOT TWICE IN THE ABDOMEN BY AN UNIDENTIFIED ASSAILANT. The Kanzler was shot at around 10:30 AM as he was leaving Tavliga Palace after a meeting with the Grand Duke. The would be assassin used a handgun to shoot Kanzler von Ostland twice, once in the thigh and once in the abdomen. The man was shot on the spot by Palace guards and is believed to have now died, however another man was seen running from the scene just prior to the shooting, and it is unknown whether he is involved. The Kanzler was rushed to the Royal Wilhelm Hospital by an Army ambulance, where he received first aid. A spokesperson at the hospital stated that the Kanzler was no longer in critical condition but remains unconscious.
This comes after a series of threats from the Rebel group, Native Baltian People’s Army, which advocate for the abolition of the Grand Duchy, and the creation of “ethnically pure” baltian states. The NBPA are against the Dolchic Baltians having the most power and wealth in the country, despite them being the largest ethnic group. In 2007 the NBPA took over the town of Helsing, and killed all of the Dolchic Baltians before Special forces stormed the town hall and took out the fighters. According to Transbaltian intelligence, leader of the NBPA, Miklos Herthon, was ousted in an internal coup last month, the current leader is unknown.
The Grand Duke was transported to an unknown location by helicopter after the shooting, he has not yet returned but is supposed to be making a speech later today. The armed forces have been placed on alert across the country, and two naval destroyers have been recalled from anti-piracy missions. The unknown man running from the scene is still being searched for, and the city of Tavliga is being shut off by police and Landswehr. It is unknown yet who is in control of the government, as there is no official line of succession for the Kanzler. The government is expected to make a statement soon.
The Saga of King Jorling
A long time ago, the people of Ateenia would fight among themselves for trivial things like land and wealth, paying for them with the blood of those they loved. Anyone could call themselves king or queen. The sons and daughters of Ateenia would often grow up without a father or even mother. They would fight among themselves for the disputes of their gods. Eventualy the allfather Vrjoln had enough and wanted to stop the killing of his creations over the conflicts of the gods. He destined for a King to be born that would unite the Ateenians and finaly bring peace to the beautiful snowy hills and forests, valleys and mountains, seas and lakes, rivers and waterfalls of Ateenia.
Eventualy a child was born that was named Jorling. He was the descendent of Vrjoln himself with stories on how Vrjoln came to the wurld of men and fell in love with Lida which resulted with her being pregnant with Jorling.
One night Jorling as a child, got lost in the woods when he went to search for his dog. He found his dog next to a strange man who had was surrounded by his pet wolves, with them was Jorlings dog, the dog refused to go back with Jorling and acted as if it never even seen Jorling, being loyal to the strange man and his wolves. The old man said "My child, its dangerous here. Go home!" and then the fog came out of no where untill the strange man and his wolves, including Jorlings dog, disappeared. Jorling returned home, heartbroken and told the story to his mother who was angered by the childs careness and did not belive the story was true and blamed him for losing his dog.
His life continued with sadness that he lost his most beloved dog. Years later, when he was old enough to hold a sword, he decided to go back to the forest where he had lost his dog. He spent days and nights looking untill one day, the old man appeared once more, with Jorlings dog beside him, but the dog was changed, he was battle scarred, he did not recognize his old master. Then the old man walked up to him and told him "You have to keep those you love close to you or risk losing them forever." Jorling was angry at him for taking his dog and tried to pierce the sword through the old mans heart but out of nowhere, the dog jumped to protect the old man and the sword ended piercing the dog. When Jorling realized what he had done he dropped on his knees, once more heartbroken and angry. He could not belive that he killed his own dog that he loved and missed for all his life. As he looked up the old man was once again, gone. He took the dog back home, where he buried his old friend.
When Jorling finaly came of age, he recieved his armring of Valdahöll, a armring all free sons and daughters of Ateenia recieve when they come of age. He was finaly able to join the next raiding party to raid distant lands in the name of his Jarl.
One day, when he went on a raid with a ship full of men from his village, he saw the old man appear on the beach, telling him not to go, he did not heed the warnings of someone who he blamed for the death of his friend. When he stepped on the ship, the old mans voice whispered in his ear "You will regret this!". The Ship finaly took off and went on a long voyage lasting months. One day, while at sea, Jorling saw a large serpent swimming in the ocean, he saw Mörungah. Jorling did not belive what his eyes clearly told him, but as he looked again, the serpent was gone and the ship was heading into a storm which claimed the lives of his many crewmen and he thought that it claimed even his. As the storm cleared, the ship was left with a skeleton crew that had no choice but to turn back.
The crew and the ship was lost for months but eventualy they found their way back to Jarldom of Aar, Jorlings home. When Jorling went to Jarl Horling to tell what him what he saw, the Jarl did not belive him and blamed the surviving crew for cowardice and failure. Jorling made it home and informed his mother for his failure but Lida did not care for she was glad that her son had returned alive. As Jorling was hugging his mother, he heard horses and soldiers near his family farmhouse, he took his mothers sword and went to greet these soldiers while letting his mother retreat to the woods. The soldiers said that he must be punished for his cowardice infront of the gods and attacked Jorling. He made sure to kill a few of Jarls men before he was pierced by an arrow from one of the soldiers. It was then when Jorling saw his horse come to him. He jumped on his horse and retreated to the cold forests where he sent his mother, who he found lying dead in the fields, pierced by three arrows.
Jorling spent days in the forest, healing, where the old man he saw multiple times through out his life, appeared again to him and told him that greatness lies ahead if he is to take revenge for his mother. Jorling did not understand how he was to take revenge against the Jarl and his men alone and went to find his friend Bröll.
Bröll and his wife Heidi helped Jorling to heal and allowed him to stay in their home untill he was healed. Jorling told them about what has happened to him and also told them about the old man. Bröll and Heidi recognized the man Jorling described and told him that he was clearly blessed if the allfather Vrjoln has appeared to him. They also told Jorling that he can take revenge by invoking the Einhefn, that, if invoked, lets him to challenge Jarl Horling to a duel to the death. They told him that he meets the requirements to invoke it, for he has served his Jarl loyaly, who then repaid him by killing those he loved.
After getting well, Jorling decided to heed the suggestions of the old man and his friend to take revenge against his Jarl, who had betrayed him and so he made his way back to Aar where he openly challenged his Jarl to a one on one combat to death. Horling laughed at him, telling him he has no right to invoke the ancient law and ordered his men to take Jorling captive. After taking down few of the Jarl's men he made it clear to Horling that he does infact meet the requirements to invoke the law and told Horling that should he refuse to accept it, he will forever remain a coward in the eyes of the gods and the halls of Oranhulla will forever remain close to him. Jarl Horling, who very much wanted to meet his long dead brother in the afterlife, accepted the challenge.
Jorling and Horling met on the village square where they were given a sword and a shield and were told to remove any armor they had. They then began fighting and Horling began aggressivly, giving Jorling little chance to counter. The fight lasted minutes and when Jorling finaly fell on the ground, Horling thought himself a winner and boasted his victory to the whole village before finding Jorlings sword in his chest, which Jorling placed there when Horling was too busy boasting over his victory that was not yet gained.
When Horling finaly dropped on the ground, taking his last breath, he told Jorling that he fought well and thanked him for letting Horling finaly meet his brother. Lady Sigrid, wife of Horling announced Jorling the winner and announced that as the ancient laws say, he who defeats the Jarl in a Einhefn, will take the burden of rulership from the one he defeated. As such the village chanted "All hail Jarl Jorling!" Jorling could not belive it, not only had he taken revenge for his mother but he was forced to take the burden of being the jarl of Aar. He promised a fair and just rulership to his people and declared Aar, open to trade to all traders around Ateenia, something Aar has never been.
Years passed and Jorling found himself a wife, a beautiful long haired blonde who had green eyes like those of the goddess Frell, voice as soft as snow, beauty like never seen in Aar before and the body of the goddess Inger, lady Siri, a huntress, shieldmaiden and daughter of Earl Hjalmar of earldom Jork. Jorling had 3 sons and 2 daughters with her, the sons were named Eluf, Gunnar and Asger, the daughters were named Astrid and Freja.
After years of turning the village of Aar into a trading town and spending time with his family, Jarl Jorling decided to continue the ancient tradition of raiding and in that summer, gathered the raiding party of warriors and shieldmaidens to take sail towards nearby lands for their wealth. This time he took five ships full of men and shieldmaidens with him and sailed through the rocky and dangerous coast towards distant lands to raid. His fleet spent weeks on seas untill they finaly made to a distant city, which they then succesfuly raided.
Once the fleet returned back home to Aar, their greetings were cut short by a battle horn being blown and soldiers from the Jarldom of Yönnür, attacking the town. Jarl Jorling gathered all men and women who were able to fight and made a plan to retreat the population to the forest, where him and his wife Siri could lead their men and shieldmaidens to victory against the outnumbering foe. It was then that Jarl Jorling invented the tactic Orrustuskó (the fighting forest) where he and his men would hide in the trees both above and below where they would shoot arrows at the chasing foe, making it appear as if the trees were shooting arrows against them without a single soldier of Aar being seen. Eventualy the Yönnür soldiers retreated back to the open valley, to the town of Aar to take hold of it and loot it but not without losing more lives on their way out of the forest. The men and women of Aar followed them out and after realizing the enemy no longer outnumbered them, they fought the invading force on the open field. The battle was won by the brave men and shieldmaidens of Aar.
Jarl Jorling was enraged by this invasion sent a messenger to Earldom of Jork where Jorling asked Hjalmar for help against Jarl of Yönnür. Hjalmar refused help, telling Jorling that he lost too many of his fighters in his last raid and as such Jarl Jorling was left alone against Yönnür.
To be continued