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Dateline 18 October 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Concern grows

 

International concern was growing tonight when communication between the Sodoff capital Davidsburgh and the outside world was abruptly cut. In New York speculation was growing about an attempted coup amidst rumours of a return to the country of its former exiled dictator, General Nuisance.

 

Anxiety will be high in neighbouring countries because of their strong reliance on the trans-continental oil pipeline that runs across Sodoff. The pipeline was cut in 1998 by General Nuisance after a political row with the country's neighbouring superpower.

 

In a brief White House statement President George W Bush said he was "disturbulated" by the situation, but that he would "observifying developments as they continualised."

 

Ends

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Dateline 19 October 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Sodoff Situation Still Unclear

 

International consternation heightened today as the position regarding yesterday's presumed coup attempt in the Sodoff capital Davisburgh swung one way and then the other. Communication with the outside world remained sparse with radio, television and even telephone channels being unavailable for much of the day. Near the border some text messages did get through, but these were largely unhelpful to political commentators. One text merely read "wl b l8 home fr suppr" while another pronounced "gt yr rox off Lesley".

 

Rumours of gunfire being heard in the streets are in circulation. However speculation is rife that the coup may have failed. On his way home from a mid-week sojourn at Camp David, President George W Bush told reporters on the White House lawn that he "was optimsticalised that every hour that passed without an announcementification added to the likelihood that the coup had been rebuffified".

 

Ends

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Dateline 20 October 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Coup fails

 

A shaken-looking President General Studies (56) stood on the steps of the Sodoff Reichstag this morning to announce the failure of yesterday's attempted coup. "This has been a close run thing," he announced. "However, law and order has been restored". The president, who himself came to the leadership of the country in 1999 by way of a military takeover, pledged change to the country's notoriously repressive regime.

 

And in a sweeping gesture he announced the release of over 1,000 prisoners from the country's overflowing jails. Many of these were members of the nation's minority "Scottie" tribe*.

 

Rumours as to the fate of the leader of the failed coup, General Nuisance abound. Whether he is dead or alive is still unclear.

 

Editors note: The Scottie tribe are notorious for their red hair, freckles and peculiar dress sense involving male dresses known as "kilts". The wearing of kilts has been described in recent times by senior politicians as a "mark of separation".

 

Ends

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Dateline 22 October 2006

 

In this week's Sunday Sodoff

- our Reichstag correspondent writes:

 

Two Bikes Tebbit in secretary scandal

 

The halls of the Sodoff Reichstag were echoing this week to rumours of nefarious goings-on involving Deputy President "Two Bikes" Tebbit and his political secretary Minnie Thrasher. And today Mr Tebbit added to the controversy by throwing a punch at a member of the group of paparazzi gathered outside his West End flat. Mr Tebbit punctuated the punch with a string of expletives and one anatomically impossible suggestion involving a camera lens.

 

Later in the Day, President General Studies, visiting the home of his niece (Miss Mitzi Tailfeather, 28), commented upon the rumours. "Mr Tebbit has my full confidence" he said.

 

Political commentators now await his dismissal.

 

Editor's note: Mr Tebbit earned his nickname during the 1980s when commenting on commuters who catch taxis to and from the station. He observed that when his own father had been a commuter he had kept a bicycle at each end of the journey and had pedalled his way to the office.

 

His father was killed in a collision with a taxi in 1968.

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Dateline 23 October 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

Kilt controversy reaches new heights

 

Tension was rising today after a Scottie (Mr Eric McTavish, 27) was banned from wearing his kilt in a Sodoffian school. Governors at the school took the decision after complaints were made by a number of pupils.

 

Tracy Smith (15) told the Sodoff Times "It was gross. He was taking us for PE and when he demonstrated the forward roll we all got an eyeful".

 

Another pupil complained about his accent. "I cooten understand nuffink 'e said" she grumbled. How am I supposed to learn anyfing when I can't understand a bleedin' word 'e says?"

 

But in todays newsletter of the Campaign for Race And Peace, national spokesman Terry Smith, said that the governors' decision had been influenced by over-eager politicians. "I will not be silenced on this", he said. "I will continue to talk CRAP until the cows come home".

 

Mr McTavish himself appeared on breakfast television this morning. When asked by Fiona Phillips what he thought of the controversy he replied "och aye, Auchtermuchtie wee timorous beastie neeps and tatties the noo".

 

An appeal to the Europan Court of Human Rights is being considered. Mr McTavish's solictor Ivor Bent commented - I should get a family holiday in the Caribbean out of this at least".

 

Ends

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Dateline 24 October 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

New Outrage in Scottie Debate

 

Scottie clerics were described today as "outraged" after former Sodoff Foreign Secretary, Jack Spratt admitted to requiring Scotties visiting his constituency office to remove their sporrans.

 

However, Mr Spratt (56) defended his position. "I don't like the look of them," he admitted. "They are big hairy things dangling right in front of a man's privates and I can't take my eyes off them" he continued. "It interferes with normal communication. I defend their right to wear them, but I won't have the bloody things in my office frightening my secretary."

 

But Scottie community leaders lambasted Mr Spratt. Many claimed that their human rights were being infringed while another issued a religious death warrant on him.

 

"That's one fatwah Jack Spratt is going to have to eat", he commented.

 

Ends

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Dateline 25 October 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

Tension Grows

 

Following on from his recent attack on the Scots, former Sodoff Education Minister Jack Spratt last night made another swingeing attack, this time on the Welsh.

 

?I abhor the way that Welsh attitudes, ideals and even foods are insinuating their way into the Sodoffian way of life,? said Mr. Spratt. And in a thinly veiled attack on his President he claimed just last night to have seen General "Ike" Studies eating Welsh lamb, Welsh new potatoes and Welsh green vegetables in the Reichstag canteen.

 

?This unpatriotic diet should be stopped at once,? he demanded. There should be a formal investigation into the matter?.

 

A Reichstag catering manager later denied the claims. ?The green vegetable in question was actually Sodoffian buttered cabbage, ? she explained.

 

Ann Robinson, Minister for Wales later moved to close the matter.

 

?There will be no investigation into alleged government leeks,? she said.

 

Ends

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Dateline 26 October 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

SODOFF DENIES ALLEGATIONS THAT IT IS DEVELOPING WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.

 

Responding to international reports of seismic activity in its northern provinces a Sodoff government press release today categorically denied allegations that Sodoff had tested a nuclear-weapon. ?The national objective,? said a government spokesman, ?is merely to develop the biggest banger we can for firework night.?

 

When asked whether this meant that United Nations arms inspectors would now be allowed entry into Sodoff however the response was evasive. ?Experience has shown that they never wipe their shoes,? said the spokesman.

 

Ends

 

 

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Dateline 27 October 2006

 

By: Annabel Fraffly-Nice, Social Affairs Correspondent

 

Super Model Admits to Coke Habit

 

After her arrest last night on assault charges, former supermodel Naomi Stewart admitted to having been high on Coke at the time the alleged offences were committed.

 

Ms Stewart (31) was arrested after an altercation in which she allegedly assaulted a member of her household staff. She was apparently unhappy that her toilet paper had not been properly ironed.

 

Her publicist Max Pepsi later told The Sodoff Times that at the time of her arrest Stewart (33) was not in control of herself having just consumed a whole bottle of Coke in which she had dissolved two aspirins. "She is receiving treatment for this addictive behaviour," he said whilst pleading for privacy "at this sensitive time".

 

Other, less partisan sources however point to Ms Stewart's long record of petulant temper tantrums. One nameless source commented "Naomi written backwards spells I moan ".

 

Not much new there then.

 

Ends

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Dateline 29 October

 

In this week's Sunday Sodoff-

 

Supersize me

 

In these days of over-consumption we at the Sodoff Times are normally committed to moderation in all things. However, Sunday should be a day for a little self-indulgence, so for one day only we have decided to supersize. Everything will be just that little bigger.

 

Feeling elevense? Threeday, five two day only, we offer you the twoderful opportunity three overdo it ? and it won?t cost you a fivetune either! From Threeting in London to Fivefar in Scotland, clip the coupon from our back page and in selected restaurants three eat for the price of two. Go three your favourite eatery. Chinese? Order some twoton soup! Japanese? Try the squid. Those eleventacles taste great fried! You?ll be glad you nine it.

 

Don't be eleventative. Do it threeday!

 

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Dateline 30 October 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

SODOFF PREMIER ADMITTTED TO HOSPITAL WITH HEART DEFECT:

 

Sodoff dictatorship?s military premier, General Studies, was today admitted to private hospital suffering from a minor heart problem.

 

Describing the defect on ?The World at One? Sodoff?s health secretary, General Anaesthetic, said that the symptoms were that the heart goes boo biddy boo, biddy boo, biddy boo, biddy boo, biddy boo, biddy boo boo boo.

 

Speaking privately later, the premier?s press secretary said that the incident was actually good news. ?Nobody knew he had a heart before this,? he said.

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Dateline 1 November 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

ADOPTION ROW:

 

Sodoff's adoption agencies were at odds today after ageing popstar "Mad Sharon" today announced her intention to adopt a foreign baby.

 

Sharon was last week on an extended visit to Scottie land where she was seen in numerous orphanages cuddling Scottie babies. And this morning it emerged that she had returned to Sodoff overnight with a 14-month old.

 

Adoption agencies have disageed abut the legality of the situation. One argued that her act was one of kindness "liberating an underpriveleged child from a torrid future by bringing him to a civilised country". Another condemned the move saying that the baby "might never settle in a country where his ginger hair and freckles would mark him out as different".

 

And speculation remains about how well Mad Sharon is prepared for the task of keeping the baby in contact with his ethnic roots and traditions. Well known Scottie apologist, Carol Smillie, was heard to comment this morning that she doubted whether Mad Sharon had the first idea how to fit a kilt and sporran.

 

Whether an adoption order has been granted too remains shrouded in mystery. However, well known Scottie judge Angus Mc Tavish who was today cornered by the Sodoff Times whilst buying a new Lambretta, admitted that it was possible that an order had already been granted.

 

At least that's what we think he said. You can never quite understand every word they say, can you?

 

Editor's note:

 

Mad Sharon first came to fame in the 1980s with hits such as "Like a Bike" and "Horrid Day".

 

Ends.

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Dateline 3 November 2006

 

By "Scoop" Daly:

 

NO NEWS OF MARS MISSION

 

Sodoff scientists were today expressing bewilderment at the apparent loss of the country's first Mars mission, the Poodle 3.

 

Eccentric scientist and project leader of the expedition, Prof. Adge Digger (54), today said that the project team had not yet given up all hope of contacting the stricken space probe.

 

"We have more chances as the mother ship passes over the Poodle 3 for three more Martian days," he said. "We have named these days Mars 'A', Mars 'B' and Mars 'C'. We will be working throughout this period, giving up all our recreational time to re-establish contact with the stranded probe. Without a doubt the best chance will be on the first of the three days. Mars 'A' day will be our work, rest and play."

 

Ends

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Dateline 06 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Pipeline cut

 

After weeks of concern, Sodoff today today acted on its threat to shut off the international gas pipeline crossing the country from East to West. Neighbouring countries were plunged into darkness as gas driven power stations shut down, depriving more than ten million homes of electricity.

 

In a public statement, President General Studies blamed the neighbours for the fiasco. "They haven't paid the bill," he said, "so we cut off the power".

 

Independent commentators however pointed to the general's dwindling powerbase of domestic public support. "It's a political stunt" claimed one critic. "He is looking for an outside issue to unite the nation and divert attention from his own failing policies". Others predicted that the action could easily backfire on him. "The public will quickly lose patience if we start to see reprisals" said one unnamed source.

 

Ends.

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Dateline 7 November

 

Letter to the Editor, Sodoff Times:

 

"Sir,

 

I travelled from the north of the country to the south by train today and was appalled at the decline in rail service standards since my days of daily commuting to the City.

 

At one stage I asked one of those porter chappies for advice on the destination of one particular train. "Sodoff" was the only reply I could get out of him.

 

The train was two hours late, and you couldn't even get a decent sandwich from the buffet.

 

What, I ask you, is the point of living in a dictatorship if they can't even get the bloody trains running on time?

 

Yours Sincerely, Brig. Ivor Smallpiece (retd).

 

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Dateline 08 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Cash for Peerages Row intensifies

 

Sodoff's government ministers were digging-in as the "cash for peerages" row intensified. Last night, Vice President "Two Bikes" Tebbit admitted that he had been questioned by police in connection with the scandal but insisted strongly that he had been "helping with inquiries only".

 

"Basically, they asked me to, sort of, advise" he said. "They wanted my input on some blue sky thinking they were doing. They had an idea on some holistic, joined-up thinking and wanted to run it up the flagpole to see if it would fly".

 

Mr Tebbit was later arrested for talking bollocks.

 

And this afternoon, former lottery winner and government "enforcer" Lord Sir Duke ASBO moved to defend the government. "They're the best government money can buy" he said. How could anyone say such awful things about them? If they do though they're dead meat".

 

Ends.

 

 

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Dateline 09 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Christmas Hamper Scandal

 

Despite the best efforts of breakfast TV's Lyn Folds-Paper, members of the bankrupt Christmas savings scheme "Faircop" look set to get nothing for their money this Christmas.

 

The scheme, patronised on council estates the length and breadth of the country, went bust last week just in time to ruin the Christmases of tens of thousands. Optimism was initially high that a rescue for its unfortunate subscribers might be possible. A week later their chances of getting much at all seem slim.

 

Appearing on the couch with Fiona Phillips (39) this morning Sodoff's Chancellor, Colonel (Scottie) Mustard explained that he had been in touch with many of the country's leading retailers but had so far only raised a few measly Sodoff Pals from them.

 

When asked why the country's National Lottery operator, Nickalot could not help Colonel Mustard explained that this was not why the lottery was set up. Lottery money could only be used to help poor families who are going to have dreadful Christmases. He went on to qualify this statement. "I mean poor foreign families who look pretty", he said. "Not fat people who wear track suits and smoke. Nobody would feel better if they gave them any money".

 

The Sodoff Times agrees. At Christmas their children have no feelings at all - do they?

 

Ends

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Dateline 12 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Minister Speaks Out

 

Excerpt from interview conducted by Scoop Sodoff with General Factotem, the new Education minister of the Dictatorship of Sodoff:

 

Scoop Sodoff: ?Please tell us your policies with regard to the Scottie problem?

 

General Factotem: ?I have serious concerns about the Scotties. They have their own parliament yet continue to take an influential role in our own. Why should this be? They jeer our national football team whenever they have a chance, yet they want Celtic and Rangers in the Sodoff Premier League. Why? And what about their food? Neeps and tatties - what?s that all about? Turnips and potatoes? Yum yum I don?t think. Then they bombard us with their dreadful music. As a child I was traumatised by being forced to listen to the Andy Stewart White Heather Club on a Saturday night - and of course they invented the BAGPIPE! On a Saturday morning in our town we are regularly confronted by a big Jessie in a dress (a dress mark you!) playing the damn things and lamenting having left Scottie Land. Let me tell you something mate! Scottie Land is just up the naffin' A1. Buy yourself a car with the money you cadge in your bagpipe case and SODOFF back up there!?

 

Editor?s note:

 

Sodoff is considering reintroducing frontier controls on the Sodoff/Scottie Land border. All ugly ginger Scotties will be banned from entering the country. Exceptions will, of course be made for babes such as Carol Smillie.

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Dateline 18 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Alzheimer's Drug "not available" in Sodoff

 

After extensive research in Sodoff the National Association for Saving Taxpayer's Yen (NASTY) announced today that the new wonderdrug "Eldope" would not be available to Alzheimers sufferers in Sodoff.

 

Although the drug is widely used - and praised - in other countries NASTY concluded after extensive tests that its benefits were largely the result of the placebo effect. In a statement this morning, General Anaesthetic, Minister for Health explained "there are three reasons why we cannot support the use of the drug here. The first is that it is too expensive. I forget the other two".

 

Ends.

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Dateline 21 November 2006

 

By: "Scoop" Daly

 

Masterspy "poisoned"

 

Consternation was today growing over the alleged poisoning of former Sodoff masterspy Ivan Edache. Edache was yesterday pictured on national news in hospital and in evident pain after an incident in which he claims he was given a poisoned liquour to drink by the Scottie secret service.

 

"It was absinthe", he explained. "As soon as I had drunk it I was seized by the most terrible wind, which rushed from me with the sound of a Japanese motor cycle".

 

But Scottie prime minister Valerie McTavish moved quickly to deny the allegation. "This is a normal phenomenon", he insisted. "Everyone knows that absinthe makes the fart go Honda".

 

Ends

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