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Things to knwo before visiting Baltirow-woud


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The following section of text is largely copied from Lonely Janet's "Guide to Baltirow-woud". This has been authorised by the author's publisher. It is however illegal to make any further copies without prior permission of the owner. Text which is provided directly by undersigned, however, can be quoted as desired. Text from Lonely Janet's is designated by green text

BY JANET PLANET

 

After my last adventure to sandy Bgypt, I browsed around for my next expedition. New Jerk Time's article about the opening of Baltirow-woud's first international airport in Woudbaken made me wonder why I had never heard of this country before. I soon found myself packing my bags. Four hours later I boarded the plane to meet my new destiny...

After landing on CIA (Centrael International Airport) I was amazed about the incredible amount of burger shops, one on every (and I mean every) corner, and the vitality of the people. In stead of a largely obese populous, people seem to be forever young. According to locals, most people start having children at 50, after having pursued their career. Even at this high age, the average Baltirow-woud family has 3.6 children!

 

Devine bovine?

The secret lies in Baltirow-woud's National Animal and also National Treat: the left-handed water cow. In short, the creatures (never call them animals, its illegal!) mangrove habitat combined with the unique Bovine Pampering Programme makes the cows meat not only extremely delicious, but probably also the healthiest diet on the planet.

People here take a minimum of 3 portions a day of left-handed water cow. This strict diet, however, has made it hard for Baltirow-woud's habitants to travel far, having become physically dependent on the creatures' meat. This is why it has taken so long for the nation's first international airport to come into existence. Baltirow-woud's citizens can now get special bovine food supplements for long periods abroad.

 

37 Commandments

When I got into my hotel in Woudbaken, De Heuvelton, I was informed to read the brochure on my bed about Baltirow-woud's law. Although I would probably do fine using my common sense, I was told that this was merely a precaution.

 

It seems they have 37 Commandments in their Constitution:

 

1. Thou shall not kill

(Deliberate killing of a human: indefinite deprivision of cow meat)

 

2. A left-handed water cow is considered a creature.

(Calling them animals: Life sentence)

 

3. Thou shall not steal

(Stealing: 10 years)

 

etc.

 

The most elaborate commandment, is commandment #31:

 

31. Thou shalt not be a contendor in a national or international songcontest- or festival in which success is determined by public voting, for music is considered to be an unmeasureable quality which should evolve through the natural formation of banding through relations or the rising of actual and therefore non-commercial talent.

 

Breaking this law banishes you from the Kingdom and you are considered to be a non-citizen and non-family by all you know. On the bright side, music is very diverse and very pleasant!

 

More will be posted as soon as we get authorisation by the publisher. You may also check your bookstore, for a modest 56 Teduro you can unfold all Baltirow-woud's secret's!

 

The royal secretary of King Jacobian IV of the Baltirow

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