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The Pine Park Gazette


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Views held by the Pine Park Gazette do not necessarily reflect the views of its parent company, Thoreau Inc., the government of Pine Park, or anyone else, for that matter.

 

National Board of Directors Mourns Death of Eldest Member

 

The Pine Park Gazette regretfully informs you of the death of Emmanuel Stein, 96, the oldest member of Pine Park's National Board of Directors. Mr. Stein was one of the first "Freedom Fighters", a group of men and women who were dedicated to the notion of self reliance and free enterprise, that peacefully managed to overthrow the former socialist government of President Henry Blankenship, 54 years ago. It was under Mr. Stein's guidance that the National Board of Directors was formed, and with his invaluable insight, helped the Republic of Pine Park become one of the premeir Libertarian nations in the world, though "we still have infinite amounts of progress to make", admits National Director Nathan Caldera. Director Caldera commented on Mr. Stein's death, saying "Never have I met a man so totally devoted to the ideas of liberty, economic freedom, and the rights of every person to be who they wish to be. Emmanuel's shoes are far too great for any man to ever fill". The National Board plans to select Mr. Stein's replacement within the week.

 

Pine Park Scolded For Lack of "Compassion"

 

Local celebrity Hugo Sewell recently criticized Director Caldera for his lack of participation in the international community, most notably attacking the government's refusal to join the UN, and its dismissal of a recent issue allotting a certain amount of Pine Park's tax Paines for the purposes of international aid. Sewell cited the "greed" and "selfishness" of the National Board and it's lack of aid not only to foreign Third World countries, but the lack of social welfare in Pine Park itself. THe National Board backed its dismissal of the issue by saying "Pine Park has had a long standing policy of rejecting entanglements in the economies and politics of other countries. We have no intention of violating those policies at this moment. Perhaps in the future, Pine Park can step up and join the so called "international community", whatever that is, but for now, our priorities lie here at home".

 

And now for the weather...

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