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King Kamehameha VIII expresses his pleasure upon arrival to the Europa Region

Honolulu – An official statement from the Iolani Palace earlier today announced a day of celebration in the Bainbridge Islands upon the arrival of the Kingdom to the Europa region. King Kamehameha VIII is looking forward to the opportunity to meet with his new neighbors and invites them to enjoy the miles of beautiful beaches and majestic scenery of the Bainbridge Islands.

 

The King’s health has been steadily improving since his hospitalization last year for exhaustion. He has been seen walking in the royal gardens of the Iolani Palace, and is in good spirits after his surgery.

 

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HMS ?Waipahu? is launched, first of new class of patrol boats

Pearl Harbor ? A new class of patrol boat, His Majesty?s Ship Waipahu, was launched amid great fanfare yesterday from the Pearl Harbor Shipyards, on Oahu. This new class of patrol boat will replace the older ?Makalpa? class patrol boats. The Waipahu class uses newer shipbuilding technologies and seafraing materials (i.e. improved GPS, ergonomically designed watchstations better medical facilites), in an effort to combat illegal smuggling activities and assist the Royal Coast Guard in rescue operations. The king?s youngest son, his royal highness, prince Lapali, will be serving onboard the Waipahu during its maiden patrol.

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Artist rendition of ancient Islander war canoe

 

Preservationists Discover New Treasures on West Shore of Oahu

Molokai ? Archeologists from the University of Bainbridge Islands discovered artifacts dating almost four hundred years ago, when the islands were first inhabited. Among the artifacts found were a traditionally carved canoe, an ancient warrior mask, and numerous implements for cooking and food preparation. The collection is being cataloged and preserved at the UBI Department of Anthropology, and is expected to be placed on display at the Laupahoehoe National Museum.

 

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Gourds, Drums, and other artifacts ready for display at the Laupahoehoe Museum

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Tenth anniversary of surf champion?s death on Sandy Beach

Aiea ? Mourners gathered at Sandy Beach, where Duke Kahanamoku, the legendary BI surf champion, disappeared almost a decade ago. ?Big Kahuna? was accomplished in the traditional sport of surfing, both short and long board, winning eight combined championships in nine years, before his accident. While surfing at Sandy Beach, he caught a thirty-foot wave, and rode it until he fell through the crest. Once the wave finished, he was nowhere to be found, with only his board, an onyx-black with gold sunburst, floated ashore. A memorial service was held at the new shrine, with over a thousand fans and supporters present.

?Bra, he was like, da kine?, remarked ?King Romulus? (aka Romulus Kahani?i, left in picture), a well known surfer from the west shore. ?There was only one bradda who could cut ?n braid, and that was the legend. May he rest in peace.?

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New cruiser suffers breakdown north of Kingdom

Pearl Harbor ? The HMS Kanehoe suffered a breakdown yesterday, leaving the newest patrol boat of the islands practically dead in the water. The main propulsion engine suffered a secondary power plant casualty, limiting it to speeds of less than two knots. Technical advisors have been sent to assist with repair and provide replacement parts for the damage power plant. They should arrive at the Kanehoe within two days.

A major embarrassment to the Admiral of the Nautical Services, already under fire for failing to curb illegal smuggling and accusations of favoritism in the ranks, offered his resignation to the Minister of Defense, and accepted all responsibility for this incident. A new Head of Nautical Services will be appointed by the end of the month.

 

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King will observe Warrior?s day in traditional warrior garb

Honolulu ? King Kamehameha will presided over the annual ?Warrior?s Day? parade, in downtown Honolulu. This holiday, traditionally held on the first of May, was delayed for unspecified reasons by the Royal Household. The parade will run down the main thoroughfare (Kalakani Avenue), and continue until it reaches the Pearl Harbor Naval Base. Each unit in the parade will have one company dressed in traditional warrior garb, and the king himself will preside over the parade in traditional royal regalia. A flyover by the BI Air Acrobatic Team (?Seahawks?) will complete the presentation. All four major island channels will carry the event.

 

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BREAKING - KING KAMEHAMEHA SUFFERS HEART ATTACK

Honolulu ? After presiding over the Warrior?s day parade, King Kamehameha VIIII suffered a major heart attack, requiring immediate hospitalization. At the Maika?i Makani (pleasant wind) medical complex, the king underwent emergency bypass surgery, and is listed in guarded condition, awaiting further evaluation.

Because of his condition, all of the immediate royal family has been summoned to the Palace, to await the outcome of this emergency. Five of the six siblings arrived, with the youngest, prince Lapali, stranded on the HMS Waipahu, which is undergoing repairs north of the main island.

More details will follow as information becomes available

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King Kamehameha Falls Into Coma

Honolulu ? Late last night, after presiding over the Warrior?s day celebration, King Kamehameha VIII fell into a coma while in the intensive care wing of the Maika?I Makani medical complex. It is believed that his heart attack was brought on by overexertion from the migration to Europa combined with the duties of state.

?The king realized the importance of moving, but felt he owed it to the people to ensure it happened, regardless the cost?, declared the Royal Adviser, Aka Kilikopela, at the press conference in the red wing of the medical complex. ?He understands that being in Europa is vital to the future of the Islands, and would have made the same decision again, regardless of the consequences. We appreciate the best wishes from our new neighbors, Suverina, and their concern and best wishes are sincerely appreciated. Until the proper line of succession is established, I will, reluctantly, assume the duties of head of state.?

 

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To: Bainbridge Islands

From: The Sublime Principate of Akiiryu

 

The Prince wises me to excuse his sincere concern for the health and well being of King Kamehameha. He has authorised me to offer the assistance of Akiiryu's extensive medical facilities and regionally region leading medical professionals to aide in your king's recovery.

 

May the Great Stag watch over you.

 

T'Nith,

1st Minister,

Akiiryan Baronic Council

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Expansion of new monorail offends Old Traditionalists

Kalapana ? The plans for the expansion of the new high-speed BI monorail has many elders expressing their disdain, as a portion of the railway would potentially pass through sacred territory (wahi kapu). ?Our ancestors are one with the land, and putting this foreign? thing will only disrupt our loved ones?, said Lokepa Alepeka, head man of the Puna district. ?They refuse to go around it, as they only worship the almighty Tiki!?

The developer?s representative, Charles Hale O Luna, responded at the town hall meeting with, ?Old man, you simply can?t hold back progress! People need to get to work, and forcing the monorail around the land will cause cost overruns. We will all lose out for a better future, jobs for our children, and support for yourselves, our elders!?

Headman Alepeka countered, ?You simply cannot destroy tradition for Tikis! Shame on you and your family! We will continue to resist as long as it takes!?

The Lower Puna residents have been involved in non-violent protests, either interceding between the development equipment or chaining themselves to ancient trees, preventing the further development of the monorail through the sacred Wao Kele O Puna grounds. The standoff appears to be resting on the court?s decision on this matter next week.

 

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Royal Advisor Accepts Assistance from Principate of Akiiryu

Honolulu ? As the King?s condition worsens, the Royal Advisor has tentatively accepted the medical assistance offered by the Principate of Akiiryu. ?Although we have excellent medical facilites in the Kingdom, the Principate has very advanced techniques that may save our king?s life. It would be a mistake to refuse their generous offer. As soon as the king is stable enough to travel, we will arrange with the government and medical professionals of Akiiryu for transport. This is, of course, barring any downgrades in the king?s condition.?

His royal prince, and next in line for the throne, Prince Peleke, expressed his outrage. ?Is the Royal Advisor insinuating that we cannot care for our own? We?ll see about this ? he may claim control of the nation, but he is not royalty, simply a commoner, and a haole, at that!?

 

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KING KAMEHAMEHA DIES

Honolulu ? At 0323, King Kamehameha VIII died after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage while in intensive care. Preparations were being made to transport the king to the Principate of Akiiryu, where state-of-the-art specialists were standing by to perform emergency coronary implant surgery, when the king passed away.

?Today is a sad day in the history of the Bainbridge Islands.?, stated Royal Advisor Aka Kilikopela, at the official press conference. ?The king was an inspiration to us all, and he will be gravely missed. However, an appeal for calm to the citizenry of the Kingdom is requested, in memory of our beloved leader?.

Edited by Bainbridge Islands (see edit history)
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Royal Advisor declares himself new ?Leader?

0600 - Honolulu ? On a televised newscast, Royal Advisor Aka Kilikopela has declared himself the new ?leader? of the Bainbridge Islands.

?We have finally overthrown the corruption and fetid odor of the dictators that bled our great country dry. As your new President, I will establish peace and control in the Islands. Unfortunately, for the time being, the Royal Guard will maintain security, and with the support of military units loyal to our cause, we will establish a new future!?

There has been little reaction from the population outside of rumbling personnel carriers cruising the streets, of the televised message to the people of the Bainbridge Islands.

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MARTIAL LAW DECLARED

2000 - Honolulu ? After riots took place earlier today, the Royal Guard stationed itself outside Iolani Palace, demanding that the new king be named. Protesters gathered outside the gates, throwing rocks and fighting police.

?With the unrest that is apparent in the city, I have decided to declare Martial Law, effective immediately?, declared Aka Kilikopela. ?Citizens are to remain in their houses, and not to leave until told. Violators of this decree will be shot on sight.?

?This is an outrage!?, protested parliamentarian Aakilo Malalo, senior member of the Traditionalist party. ?The Royal Advisor, or "President", or whatever he calls himself, has no place making decisions such as that ? only the king ? the new king who needs to be crowned ? can do that! That leads me to my next question ? where is prince xxx, and the Royal Family? We have yet to see them. Furthermore, we?.? [Telephone interview was cut short at Moa Kona parliament building.]

 

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Second company of 22ns SMAG arriving on beach near Iolani Palace

 

COUP ATTEMPT ENDED!

Honolulu ? At 0030 hours last night, Prince Lapali led an assault on Iolani palace last night, eliminating the Royal guards on the palace grounds, and surprising the usurper, the Royal Advisor Aka Kilikopela . With assistance of special combat forces, the 22nd ?Maka? (shark) Special Marine Assault Group took the control of the palace. The prince found and briefly fought with the RA, killing him in hand-to-hand combat (although it is not certain if traitor was already dead before being thrown out the king?s terrace).

The ursurper?s forces, rebels from the Army, were kept at bay with indirect fire from loyalist Army units, and eventually dispersed. They are currently being tracked down by security forces, with the assistance of the Royal Army.

Tragically, the bodies of the Royal Family were found in a shallow grave in the Southern grove, including Queen Lelehuli, Prince Peleke, next in line to the throne, and all of the royal siblings, including little Nanene, who celebrated his sixth birthday last week.

The Royal Prince will make an official announcement later today.

 

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Empty conferance room in Hibiscus room of Iolani Palace (stock photo)

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Undated Image of Prince Lapali posing for royal family painting

 

Prince Lapali to be officially crowned Friday

Honolulu ? Prince Lapali has been declared "Fit to Rule" by an emergency regents counsel in the Ma'a Kona Parliament Building, and will be crowned at Iolani palace on Friday. The Royal Army has re-established order in the streets and provinces of the Kingdom, hunting down the traitorous protestors and rebel army units who participated in the attempted "Midnight Coup".

The perpetrators of the attempted coup are still unknown, believed to funded by communist foreigners, and photographs of a ?Advisor Rashii Corpanus? have been distributed throughout the nation, with a 1 million Tiki bounty for the capture of this individual, dead or alive.

?Thank god that our future king is alive!?, proclaimed Lalena Kaha, crying at the proclamation by the prince at the King?s terrace. ?He is truly a great man, and we are fortunate to have him for our leader!?

 

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Insignia of the Royal Bainbridge Islander Navy

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To: All Foreign Dignitaries

From: The Kingdom of the Bainbridge Islands

 

On behalf of the Royal Bainbridge Island Household, we would be honored if you would attend the coronation ceremony of our new king, King Kamehameha IX. We appreciate your support during our time of difficulties, and would be pleased by your presence on the Bainbridge Island during our festivities.

 

Respectfully,

Johnathan Kawaiahoa

Head of the Royal Bainbridge Island Household

 

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Construction in downtown Honolulu in preparation of the cornation

 

Delays in Coronation Preparations

Honolulu - The coronation of Prince Lapali will be delayed due to security issues and preparations to include the nobility of the Bainbridge Islands, Parliament members and dignitaries from around the Europa reigon.

The royal procession will wind through the outskirts of Honolulu, on Kalakua Avenue, and then turn onto Ala Wai Blvd., and then on Park Avenue until the procession (ho?olaule?a) reaches the Iolani Palace.

Foreign dignitaries will be invited to enjoy the ceremonies and the hospitality of the Bainbridge Islands and citizens are encouraged to extend the spirit of Aloha to our honored visitors.

 

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Last year's Miss Bainbridge Island winner, Miss Judy Lahua'a, performing a hula

 

Miss BI competition to be held next week, numerous traditional categories added

Makaha ? The Miss Bainbridge Island contest will undergo numerous changes for the this year, as an emphasis on traditional islander skills will be added to the competition. The appearance categories will be kept (formal wear and swim wear), but the skill categories will be changed from any category the contestants desired to specific islander categories: Hula dancing, Island food preparation, and Lei making.

?The rapid pace modernization eroded the traditional skills that made the women of the islands unique in the world?, stated competition president Lanehi Mahahono. ?By focusing on what makes our island unique will help present a role model for all of our young women.?

?On the contrary, it re-enforces the old belief that women belong in the kitchen, subservient to the whims of their families and husbands?, states Christiana Lolana, a women?s rights advocate to the New Horizons political party. ?The entire show is an abomination, and should be done away with, to prevent harming the psyches of our young women.?

 

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Royal Honolulu suffers stunning defeat by Wainai FC

WFC opens with three goals in first 15 minutes, RH cannot equal

Wainai ? Royal Honolulu played what could be called their worst game of the season against Wainai FC, allowing three goals within the first fifteen minutes of the match. A lackluster performance by the goalkeeper and poor coordination by the RH defense allowed striker Fredick to score twice within the first nine minutes. In the fifteenth minute, Lelani, the star Wainai midfielder scored on a corner kick, which beautifully curved by the inside post of the RH defenders.

Once ahead, Wainai packed their defense, producing a boring but guaranteed ending. ?I?m glad we were able to show up those cocky midfielders ? I think everyone is tired of RH bullying everyone else in the league. They had this loss coming!?, stated a Wainai fan, staggering from the local bar.

?This game was an outrage! It must have been rigged!?, complained a Royal Honolulu Fan. ?In an even match, there?s no way we would have lost!?

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New biotech complex to open in Aiea

Will seek cures for genetic diseases of Islanders

Aiea ? Next week will see the opening of a new bio-tech complex just north east of Aiea, specializing in genetic research. Its first order of business will be attempting to decode the Human Genome, in order to provide a basis to solve many genetic mysteries that plague the human race.

?By ?cracking the code? of the Human Genome, we will be able to produce a number of therapies to cure, or at least address, some of the worst genetic diseases known?, stated Dr. Francis Hele, project lead of the Koala Genome Company. ?Hopefully, we will be able to continue on to provide cures to the most mundane diseases ? maybe even the common cold!?, he remarked, to the amusement of the attentive reporters.

 

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To: All Foreign Dignitaries

From: The Kingdom of the Bainbridge Islands

 

On behalf of the Royal Bainbridge Island Household, we would be honored if you would attend the coronation ceremony of our new king, King Kamehameha IX. We appreciate your support during our time of difficulties, and would be pleased by your presence on the Bainbridge Island during our festivities.

 

Respectfully,

Johnathan Kawaiahoa

Head of the Royal Bainbridge Island Household

To:Bainbridge Islands

From:Ide Jima

 

We would gladly send a representation to the coronation of King Kamehameha IX. It would be an honor to be represented at such an occasion,

 

The Office of Inishiro Heisan, Ide Jiman President

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TO: Ide Jima

FROM: Bainbridge Islands

 

We are looking forward to your presence at the coronation, and hope you enjoy your stay in the Bainbridge Islands.

 

Respectfully,

Johnathan Kawaiahoa

Head of the Royal Bainbridge Island Household

 

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Lei Master Nobo'a making leis for visiting dignataries

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