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Nasionale TeleSicht Variota is the national broadcaster of the Unified Variotan State and as such, operates a variety of television stations and a tabloid newspaper, Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten.

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Dina Diva Scores Big With New Song 'Als Ek Die Doe' - International Article Version

Variotan singer, glamour model and superstar Dina Diva has reached record breaking heights in the Variotan music charts with her new, exciting pop song 'Als Ek Die Doe' (If I Do This). Her first performance of the song, in the popular music show Het Pieter Kunstefoor Program broadcast on NTSV 1, was met with astonishing applause by the audience and Pieter Kunstefoor, presenter of the self-named show. The same enthusiasm as seen in the show and in Dina Diva's previous projects was also seen in record sales, which have been reported to have skyrocketed since the performance.

Some might recall Dina Diva's early days as Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten's own glamour model star, back then still called Tita. While her stint as our very own glamour model star was somewhat cut short by the decision to replace the Topless Section with the, even more popular, Sausage Section, her vocal and fashion abilities have still managed to grace and pleasure us with her divine appearance and character. From her first fashion line, Tits Out by Tita, supported by her then-boyfriend and fashion executive Filomedes fan Varra of the now-bankrupt Varra Fashion Stores, to her more current successes such as her children and her long-running reality show Dina Diva Uncut, shown on NSTV 4 - EntertainmentDina Diva has given Variota so much enjoyment, pleasure, glory and honour by her mere presence and existence.

The new song, Als Ek Die Doe, is a powerful pop song that brings us the raw, enjoyable energy of being in the hottest Variotan nightclubs. The night is hot, the song is hot and the club is bumping and grinding. You can be the lover of this amazing, vibrant woman that you spot across the dance floor as long as you can do it 'nieme apparath'n' (without devices). Als Ek Die Doe has reached #1 in the Variotan Top 100, #5 in the UfK Hit Parade, #7 in the Klan Reierfer Music Charts and has been banned from the charts in the KfHV. International versions of the single have been made available through streaming services, the International Variotan Music Export Group and music stores carrying Variotan music.

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Altvarna Automotive celebrates record-breaking order; Government lobbyists finally prove themselves

In a stunning display of before unseen competence, the lobbyists funded by Altvarna Automotive have finally managed to prove themselves capable to the general public and their benefactor. The Aloisjus Tellervan - Rocart Nallerplat-Lantboer Motorlaagher Betreif, as Altvarna Automotive is officially called, was quick to announce a record-breaking deal in a joint press conference with the Variotan government. The press conference, held in the prestigious Pollervan Hallen banquet hall in the Linkebootje district of Ferrefaaierhafen, was accompanied with a four-course fine dining experience by Variotan chef Leon 'Likkebaart' Huisseman. While the reporters and guests were eating their second course, an amuse of smoked baby otter skin filled with a trio of deer, boar and turkey pate paired with a slokkieneut of pineapple vodka, proud CEO and well-known gourmet glutton Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer began his speech.

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Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer, CEO of Altvarna Automotive and well-known gourmet glutton

''As many of those attending this fine event today know, Altvarna Automotive is the world's primary manufacturer of small cars. We believe in our product, we know it's qualities and we know how to build on the gloriously long traditions that have existed within our fine company since it's foundation. Like my father and founder of the Rocart Nallerplat-Lantboer MotorBetreif would always say to motivate his workers: Every landowner should have a car they can comfortably loan out to servants without shaming them if it stands on their grounds! Of course, times have changed and nowadays, we focus on the regular person. We focus on the first time car owner, the people with the small wallet or simply those with small needs, those that want to be sure that they are getting the best thing possible for their money. We do not call ourselves the People's Manufacturer for no good reason or simply because we like the sound. We call ourselves... Are those the quails stuffed with goji berry jam? They look delicious ... the People's Manufacturer because the people have come to us. Because the people know that Altvarna Automotive is there for them, whether you are a wealthy millionaire living it up in the nightlife of Grootwaterflakte or a simple farm hand trying to make it in the Kommunes. Altvarna is high quality for a low price, it's as simple as that. And that is why is it so extremely pleasing to me to be able to announce a record-breaking order coming from the Holy Empire of Derthalen!''

While one could hear each table mumbling among themselves, wondering how big said order would be and what the last course would be, the guests had to wait as Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer's quail stuffed with goji berry jam was turning cold before he would return to his speech. In a short survey held by Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten during the evening, sixty percent of the guests enjoyed the dish while forty percent either disliked it or found that the goji berry jam did not add anything significant to the quail. In a short interview afterwards, Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer was quick to defend the use of goji berry jam stating: That's a super food, you know? It literally has the word super in it's name. Don't hate, appreciate.

''Now where was I? Oh yes, the massive, record-breaking order! I have it on confirmed reports, signed orders, money nearly in the bank-type of reliability that the Holy Empire of Derthalen has ordered one million Altvarna Stattsreiers! This is a super order, immediately skyrocketing our sales into the billions. As we speak, we are readying factories to increase the production of Altvarna Stattsreiers so that we can ensure a steady flow of ready-to-drive Stattsreier models towards the Derthalen nation. The first person I would like to thank for this is my father, Rocart Nallerplat-Lantboer. Without him and his dreams, this obviously wouldn't have happened. His determination to make something out of the company, which was started out of the workshop of his summer mansion, has always been inspiring, always able to help us strive to the next goal, the next part of life, of growth. Of becoming an international competitor. The second person I would like to thank is our glorious chef, Leon Huisseman. Without him, this press conference would have to had make due with simple snacks, plain cousins of the simply delightful and delectable treats that we are being served today. The third person I would like to thank is our head lobbyist, who couldn't come due to the flu. Get well soon, Piet! The girls at the nightclub miss you! Now let's all enjoy the lovely fourth course in front of us, smoked and honeyed bear paw filled with pletvis. This pletvis was specially made for me with only the smokiest of salmon, mackerel and eel. Enjoy!''

The record-breaking order, worth 10,000,000,000 Waarttemun, was set in place during the same time the Variotan government signed an agreement allowing Derthalen organisations the possibility to fund certain campaigns within Variota. While some journalists were quick to question exactly what this meant, the Variotan government was quick to reply and reassure everyone that the campaigns had nothing to do with the Variotan people but instead were focused on bringing the Derthalen history, as known within Variota, into a new light. How the organisations plan to do this is unknown, although theories include the Derthalen organisations giving out free booklets on Derthalen history during market days in Variotan cities, spamming Variotan email addresses with their history or passing out baked goods with their history written on them in icing. The last suggestion came from Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer himself, during the short post-speech interview.

The Four Course Menu

1st - Beef soup enriched with pulled pork, diced horse sausage and croutons of barbeque-grilled corn bread paired with a slokkieneut of caramel schnapps

2nd - an amuse of smoked baby otter skin filled with a trio of deer, boar and turkey pate paired with a slokkieneut of pineapple vodka

3rd - Quail stuffed with goji berry jelly paired with a drink of choice

4th - Smoked and honeyed bear paw filled with pletvis made with smoked salmon, smoked mackerel and smoked eel paired with a slokkieneut of Kippervos-brand gold flake-enriched vodka

Edited by Variota
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Adult Actor Hete Henk: Sausage Section saved my life!

As many may know, Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten features the very popular Sausage Section, where attractive men from throughout the world are given the chance to star in their very own tastefully erotic nude shoot which is then placed into our newspaper. This part of our newspaper has always been very popular since we have made the switch from the Topless Section, where attractive women had the chance to star in their very own tastefully erotic topless shoot, and has ensured that Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten remains the best selling, number one newspaper of Variota. Many careers have been started from the Topless Section and the Sausage Section and in order to celebrate this, we have decided to interview Sausage Section's favorite, adult actor Hete Henk (Hot Henk) and how the Sausage Section impacted his life.

 

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Hete Henk, adult actor, Sausage Section Star and multiple Variotan Adult Movie Awards winner

 

How did the Sausage Section change your life?

''Well, you know, when I filled in my application, I was pretty much down on my luck. My parents died when I was sixteen, so that was tough but my aunt had promised to take me in. So yeah, there I was, an wild boy in the middle of his insatiable period in the most boring part of Variota to be, Kattertralerstatt. Still, I had the occasional evening alone and good wifi so I survived. Until she got a new husband, a man of the church, and suddenly I was left with the choice: Leave or get a job at the Ghestelikke Fegtkorps. Me, in the military? Like hell no, I mean I like men in uniform but that is totally bordering the insane. So yeah, there I was with fifty Waarttemun in my hands and a bus ticket to Grootwaterflakte. I managed to get an apartment and even got into the local community college when I turned 18 but as things go, more money was exiting more than it was coming in. And I was in last week I could really afford when I saw it: The Sausage Section ad. It was like it was a sign from the heavens, boom. I thought: I'm young, hung and desperate as hell so why not? So I took some pictures and sent it up and the next day I got the call if I could come in that day to do the shoot. You guys paid me enough to be able to pay my rent and eat enough for a month, that's the first thing that saved me and changed my life. I actually got to eat in an actual non-fast food restaurant for the first time in my life!''

But surely that's not just it?

''Of course not! When the shoot got into the newspaper, I was suddenly called by Greta Spekkentaal. I mean, everyone knows her! She's the best adult film director that Variota has ever known. And she said to me: Kid, you can become the next Peter het Paard (Peter the Horse)! Well, who can resist such great compliments? She invited me for some drinks in the club the production company owns, the Pink Pony. You know, the one just south of the Parliament. We just totally clicked, our wants and needs totally aligned and it was pretty much a signed deal. I started my first film, distributed internationally as Hot Henk and the Twenty-Two Midget Sailors, the following week. Dropped out of community college, got a better apartment, a polygamous triangle relationship and even more good things in the horizon. You know, I'm just twenty so I could go on doing this job for another forty years if I play my things right. Maybe even go into directing myself, try and become the next Greta Spekkentaal. I mean, if the VAMA's are any indication, the people love me and my skills look great on camera. We're also soon releasing my fiftieth movie, Prison Parts 3: Maximum Pleasure and of course the weekly live show Hot Henk Hits Hard, which is a bit more risque, a bit more exciting. It'll be live on ETV2 and I'll be boxing against the adult actor of the audience's choosing, they can vote on who should come through the ETV2 website. The winner gets to decide who does what, so it'll be a surprise every show!''

Thanks, Hete Henk!

''No, thank you, Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten!''

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FFfFfF Dina Diva responds to congratulations and praise from Andallan President Johansen

Our charming and ravishing new leader, Foorste Frauwe fan'es Ferantwortelik fan'es Folke Dina Diva, was quick to respond to the video uploaded by the Andallan President Johansen, in which he praises her for her political prowess, stunning good looks, deep emotional connection with people that are lesser off, roots in every layer of society and the grace and glory that she shows everyday through gracing us with her presence and life. While it is obvious that she has these qualities and more, Dina Diva was quick to thank her Andallan colleague before his arrival in Variota. Thanks to the hard work and effort put into it by her social media team, the video had received twelve-million views before President Johansen landed at Kaptein A.H. Ferrefaaier International Airport for his state visit.

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FFfFfF Dina Diva, power woman and world's greatest diva, looking casual yet sexy at the camera

''To my adoring colleague Klaus, I can call you Klaus right? Of course I can. So many thanks for all the congratulations! If you ask me, I also think I am a pretty amazing person that has managed to inspire a whole world with my victory, winning attitude and killer body. Of course, the congratulations don't only belong to me! The congratulations also belong to yourself! Congratulations for gaining such a wonderful colleague, I'm sure I'll be a great asset to the whole team of international leaders!

Now, don't worry about not getting the title not entirely right! All that matters is trying! Like, see where it ended me... One day, I'm just easy at home, getting my poodle bedazzled and suddenly I get all these messages from fans like, oh my god you should run for office. Oh yeah, I do mean my dog you know, not my snatch. That's vagizzling... vagazzling? Something like that. Anyway, I did and suddenly boom, I'm like the leader of the entire nation! Like yeah baby, that's just how luck and fate works. If you don't try, you'll end up dry!

And I don't know about the hard joke, like is that a metafone-thingey or something? Anyway, I'm sure we'll be able to have a right laugh if you mean an actual joke! I'm pretty funny and I have a team of writers so if need be, we'll just call them up and have them make jokes! Do you like botox? We could get some botox together! It's such a bonding experience!''


Itinerary for the Andallan state visit

Day One:

Arrival by President Johansen at Kaptein A.H. Ferrefaaier International Airport; meet-up with FFfFfF Dina Diva, her camera crew and a mixed security detail of the various Variotan land forces and the Variotan secret service.

Arrival at the Soomerhuis, the FFfFfF residence in Ferrefaaierhafen and intended sleeping place for President Johansen for the first day, where there will be a meet and greet between President Johansen, the Heads of State of the three autonomous states of Het Huisselant and ten lucky Dina Diva fans that won a contest for a meet and greet. Before the meet and greet, a chance to freshen up and change clothing for President Johansen.

State banquet at the Pollervan Hallen banquet hall featuring a twelve-course meal and two-hundred guests. Special half time performance by FFfFfF Dina Diva herself, singing number one hit 'Als Ek Die Doe'. After-banquet party at the Geele Ros (Yellow Stallion) Nightclub and Casino, featuring high stakes card games, unlimited drinks and some of the finest Variotan go-go dancers for only the most elite among Variotan socialites and celebrities and of course, President Johansen. Discretion provided as all potential party goers and employees have signed non-disclosure forms.

 

Day Two:

Private breakfast with Dina Diva and her camera crew in the Soomerhuis. Hangover medicine provided, if needed.

Travel to Grootwaterflakte with FFfFfF Dina Diva's personal pink limousine, estimated duration four hours. Beverages, alcoholic and not, are provided.

State lunch at the Parliament, featuring four courses and one-hundred guests.

Visit to the Variotan Taxidermy Museum, where President Johansen will be given a special gift depicting the friendly Andallan-Variotan relations.

Visit to the Rooffersmarkt, a genuine and authentic lower class Variotan market, riddled with badly made counterfeit brand goods, clothing of poor taste, cheap fruit that will rot within a day after buying it and more authentic experiences.

State banquet at the Hotel Orgaan *****, featuring a ten-course meal and between-meal talks with fifty guests selected from the various Variotan industries. Large names include Hugo Nallerplat-Lantboer, representing Altvarna Automotive, Henricus 'Hete Henk' Kolewasser, representing the adult movie industry and Dré Fikkerin, owner of the Fikkerin Casino, Nightclub and Hotel and representing the gambling industry. 

After-banquet party held at the Pink Pony, gracefully made available by Henricus Kolewasser and the adult movie industry, which shall include unlimited drinks, adult actor/actress body shot opportunities and the ability to mingle with some of Variota's finest. Discretion provided as all potential party goers and employees have signed non-disclosure forms.

 

Day Three:

Private breakfast with Dina Diva and her camera crew in the Hotel Orgaan *****. Hangover medicine provided, if needed.

Opportunity to have botox at the prestigious Rotterflak Clinic. If President Johansen prefers not to do the botox, a visit to Freielantflakte and it's Klan Kewastemere Kaltoer Museum.

Light lunch after botox, in order not to strain the face muscles too much. Or, in case of Freielantflakte, a three-course meal at the Vooters near the Klan Kewastemere Kaltoer Museum. Discretion provided in the case of Vooters, as all potential employees have signed non-disclosure forms.

Journey back to Ferrefaaierhafen in FFfFfF Dina Diva's personal pink limousine. Beverages, alcoholic and not, are provided.

Opportunity for President Johansen to have an early dinner with FFfFfF Dina Diva at the Restaurant Koos Waaghenmaaker, one of the finest Variotan home cuisine restaurants in Ferrefaaierhafen.

Journey back to Andalla on Andska One

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Rikki Lieberhuis (14) wins ₩1,6 million jackpot at Heerefal Casino Resort: 'It was meant to be!'

Het Huisselant can count itself one millionaire richer this day, as Ferrefaaier inhabitant Rikki Lieberhuis (14 years old) has won the ₩1.600.000 jackpot at Ferrefaaierhafen's iconic Heerefal Casino Resort, which attempts to emulate the tropical scene and ambiance of the Vestern Eilants such as Sunset Sea Islands and Andalla. Rikki Lieberhuis, son of a butcher and an canine fashion designer, was on his way to school when he felt luck calling to him, the sweet sound and lights of the slot machines urging him to try.

''Uh, yeah, so uh... I was going to school on my bike and I passed all the casinos and I just wanted to try. Luckily for me, I don't live in Grootwaterflakte or anything because they have some casinos there that are really picky but here, well, it's anything goes. So when I passed the HCR, it just lured to me. The sounds and lights just called to me, the slot machines... I could hear them whisper in my ear: Fill me up Rikki, try me, pull me. And sure, the promoter women wearing coconut bra's and grass skirts and nothing else of course helped. I mean, sure, I guess. Did I just say that aloud? Just scratch that, please. Please? Okay anyway... I walked in, got my allowance changed into coins of one Waarttemun and went to the 'Coconut Bonanza' slots, you know the ones they are always advertising with. As it was still pretty early, I was lucky because they were all free except for one, where this old bat was sitting and gambling away her pension. As everyone knows, those slots tend to have the best odds as those grannies fill them up. So like any sane person, I told her that I had heard that the buffet was refreshing it's advocaat with whipped cream desserts and flied off like the old bat that she was. What good was all that money going to do her anyway? She'd pretty much be dead before the money was transferred into her account.

First couple of coins didn't really go well, I lost my money or at best got it back, and at a certain point, I'm left with three coins. So I'm really contemplating between using this money to gamble or use it for a really cheap bottle of wine, because there's this wino mother I know from school which they say does some things for... nevermind. Anyway, I see that old bat come towards me, back from the buffet and she's looking mad, probably because the buffet didn't refresh it's desserts because that was a blatant lie. I just decided to gamble on because it was either that or let that granny have the satisfaction of being back on her favorite slot machine. I put the coin in and she attempts to pull MY lever, MINE! So I push that hag away and she falls, I let out a little laugh because people falling down is always funny and I pull. And I see the first bag of coconuts come on and I think like, this is another bust. Second bag of coconuts comes on and same thought. Third bag and suddenly, the machine seems like it's on fire or alive or something and at that moment I realize: What the shizzle, I'm a bloody millionaire now! The wrinkle sack tried to snitch on me too but I just told everyone she wanted me to come back to her retirement room home and they left it at that, haha.

Now, the first thing I'm going to do is buy a whole case of cheap wine and see what that woman will do for it! And then, maybe like buy myself some new clothes, buy my parents' house so I can throw my annoying older brother out... You know, the usual.''

Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten and it's partner, the Heerefal Casino Resort, wish you luck with your fortune Rikki!

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Pierraate Leeffesfestein nearing thousandth edition; Foreigners finding greater love for Variot 'leeffessang'

Anyone in the world that knows anything about the music scene and the Alharun music scene in particular knows about the massively popular Variotan Pierraate Leeffesfestein (lit. translation Pirate Lives Feast, fig. translation Festival of Folk Singers), held monthly in various venues around Variota. These great bashes celebrating life, the emotional and celebratory depth of the Variot language and the struggles of life and how we get over those struggles and transform ourselves into better people have seen offshoots pop up in other nations where Variotan diaspora have built up their lives and/or where the Variotan culture is seen as one to emulate.

Originally started in 1910 as a yearly festival by the Propagatie en Morraalmagt (Propaganda and Morale Force) where artists from all over Variota would perform as a way to keep national morale up and bring attention to the myriad of new music brought out, the Pierraate Leeffesfestein was remade into a monthly affair in the 1930's as internal interest in the Variot leeffessang (life song) music skyrocketed and radio ownership increased with a further expansion to a two-day festival in 1987. While the festival has seen many changes and technological advances throughout the years, the Propagatie en Morraalmagt has kept the reigns over it's organisation and has managed to make the festival flourish. 

The current upcoming festival, number nine-hundred-ninety-four, is to be held in the magnificent and splendorous Nasionaal Park 'Gillofan III' near Grootwaterflakte where seventy-thousand people at a time will be able to enjoy the sweet vocals of the Pierraate Leeffesfestein's talented line-up. With a mix of both seasoned veterans of the Variotan 'schnabbel' circuit and newcomers to the glorious Variotan music scene, leeffessang enthusiasts will be able to enjoy songs from artists such as Felicity St. Foxxy, Fabuleuse FIlo het Fuller, Vikky het Fisserswijffie, Lidowij fan Uniefaaier, Helemaal Variot, Dina Diva and the Celaan Sussjes. Presentation shall be done by a duo consisting of Fabuleuse Filo het Fuller, as is custom for one that holds the rank of Opper-Geen'raal fan'es Propagatie en Morraalmagt, and Felicity St. Foxxy, who shall also be celebrating her seventieth anniversary in the Variotan show-business. 

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Left: Felicity St. Foxxy, proud on-and-off again alcoholic, pure-bred party animal, artiste extraordinaire and receiver of multiple liver transplants

Right: Filomedes Jonkheere, General of the Propaganda and Morale Force of the HAP and known under his artistic name Fabuleuse Filo het Fuller

When asked about the future of the festival, Filomedes Jonkheere was quick to respond positively:

''You know, what we're currently seeing is just great. I mean, we all know that Variotan leeffessang is a genre of music that has managed to maintain it's position as Alharu's and Argis' primary music genre. No other type of music that comes from the people, by the people like this one has managed to pop up in our world and in my opinion, this just shows how great and how unitary our music is. Whether you're a Variotan bartender, a Synturian factory worker, a Lusotropian truck driver, a Prymontian fisherman, Iverican tax collector or a Girkmandian oil driller, this music just hits home. The music stays true to the way how we, as a people, feel life and really get it, you know? Leeffessang is all about acknowledging life, celebrating it, even if it might be going a bit bad for you at the moment. Leeffessang is there for parties, for birthdays, for when you get that new promotion but also there for you when there's a funeral, when debt collectors clear out your house or when that cute girl tells you that you might quite soon need an STD test and a penicillin treatment. Leeffessang is for the people on the ground, doing their thing, but also for the man or woman in the penthouse, it doesn't discriminate and that's what I very much like about the Pierraate Leeffesfestein. Young, old, rich, poor, everyone is partying and celebrating life. And I think that is also why we've managed to keep this going and will keep this going for a long while. Leeffessang is universal, leeffessang is something that hits home with everyone, no matter where they are from or what they do.

And that's also something that we're seeing much more often these days, now that flying to Variota has gotten cheaper by the year, that people from all over the world are coming here to just let loose for two days and enjoy that feeling of camaraderie and good music. Our offshoot festivals are also doing great and just in general, I think this is a very good era for leeffessang. People from all over the world are increasingly finding leeffessang music and going 'this just speaks to me on a whole different level than all that other music'. I have fans from all over the world send me messages filled with love, telling me to go on and make more of that deliciously sounding vocal pleasure. I mean, I think also my good friend Felicity St. Foxxy can attest to that, being in the industry for seventy years has led her to get a real hawk-eye on how things are going, you know?

Let's face it, people that are against leeffessang are often those that think of those songs from the olden days that have gone a bit stale in modern times and those are still great in my opinion, don't get me wrong, but leeffessang has evolved as well, just as we as a people do. We have leeffessang artists from all over Variota and beyond making gorgeous music that pulls the best bits of other genres into our music. We have poppy leeffessang, rock leeffessang, the regular folk leeffessang, you name it and I'm sure someone's creating it and that's just great. It just shows that we as a whole, we Variotans, are doing great in promoting our culture and showing that when it comes to it, we really are the Greatest Nation in Alharu, the Greatest Culture in Alharu and dare I say it, the Greatest Musicians in Alharu. And yes, I get that that might come over a bit like bragging but in my opinion, you get to brag a little when you manage to keep a whole world interested in you and in copying you.

And as a result, the Pierraate Leeffesfestein is of course also doing great. Originally, we intended to have the thousandth edition right here in the Gillofan III National Park but right now, we're looking at relocating towards an even larger venue. Out of all the tickets we've sold for this one, twenty-five percent came from outside of Variota and we feel that the thousandth edition might even pull in more foreigners so we're thinking of going for a venue that can fit in atleast one-hundred thousand music fans. It'll be a magnificent party! And yes, of course it'd also make for a mammoth operation of unbelievable size but I'm sure we at the Propagatie en Morraalmagt can manage that. With a thousand of the most hard-working fellows and girls that I've ever seen, I know we can knock this out of the park with ease!''

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Varinco Representative: Armed animals are the next generation in organically-grown, biologically-sound warfare!

During the beginning of the 2017 End of the Year show held by Het Huisselant's very own premium-quality armaments manufacturer Varinco, which showcases it's newest research and development programs and puts it's bestsellers in the spotlight, one of the more remarkable projects was the project code-named 'Organic Death'. Organic Death, according to it's researchers, is aiming to change the world of renewable warfare forever by removing the dangers that the current generation of renewable warfare has. When Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten interviewed Varinco representative Ret.Gen. (Retired General) Tony 'Het Fuisje' Klippervaal, he was quick to give us a rundown on the project.

''Well, as the researchers briefly explained, Organic Death is aimed towards a new generation of renewable warfare, one that will be able to launch us into the next level of... well, Organic Death. Renewable warfare is really something from ages ago, something that pretty much the entire world has avoided since then. We're bringing it back and doing it in a way that will please everyone. Everyone knows of the bad conditions in which horses and llamas were grown in the 1800's and before and we're changing that up. We're growing them under the best of circumstances, good clean stables and such and only the best organically-grown feed goes into their troughs. This is important because this changes up the mindset of the animal from survival to loyalty. No animal, when given good food that is similar to that that they would eat in nature, will flee from the hand that feeds it. Instead, it will want to work for the hand that feeds them. That's a real given, that's a certainty. What we do then, after they're fully grown is train them. We train them on basic commands, especially llamas have shown intelligence in regards to learning these commands in record times. During this training and during their growth, we force... Well, stimulate them to grow muscle. Only the best, biologically harvested steroids are used to ensure they are able to fulfill the program's requirements, next to special training schedules made by the best animal muscle-growth experts.'' 

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The next generation in organically-grown, biologically-sound renewable warfare!

''The end result is an organically-grown biologically-sound killing machine in the making, an animal that is wired to want to prove it's loyalty, prove it's value to the pack and prove that it is worth it to keep feeding it. And here is where we then begin actual combat situations. We put the animals through training courses, obstacle courses, you name it. Using special patented equipment, we are able to use electronic shocking to tell the animal where to move to and tests have shown that the animals respond really well to them. We then learn them to do the same while fully packed, with tests being done with various set-ups. Depending on the animal, they are often better suited to harsh climates than regular infantry which is, of course, an additional great selling point!

Through use of a small camera on the animal and a joystick, connected to a remote weapon system, weapons of choice and the electroshock equipment, this allows a soldier to use the animal and it's weapons to fight for him. Furthermore, studies have shown that soldiers of all kinds find more resistance towards shooting an animal, even one shooting at them, than an other human being. I mean, we at Varinco could make this a whole preach about how we care for animals more than other humans but we're not in that business, we're in the business of arming anything and everything we can and selling it. And the best part is, we're able to produce such a weapon at a lower cost than it would take to train a human to do it! It being firing a weapon at other humans, of course.

It's even better for the environment, as animals are completely renewable and we feed them with one-hundred percent pesticide-free produce! It's a win-win-win situation! Well, except for the ones shot by the animals of course, it's a lose-lose situation for them.''

 

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Varinco leads Variotan evacuation from Ahrana; Chairman J.D. Karrewasser: 'Varinco is determined to continue to prove that we are the Proper Choice.'

With the sudden rise of a communist state in Ahrana and the evacuation deadline given by them, the Variotan effort to evacuate from Ahrana has been led by none other than the Variotan Industry Corporation, Variota's premier armaments manufacturer and a beloved choice for self-defense and military needs throughout the world. Through it's Ahrana branch, featuring a production plant where limited domestic fabrication happened and some stores, Varinco has taken in the small diaspora of Variotan civilians that existed in Ahrana without any costs to said civilians.

Additionally, the free capacity has been offered to foreigners of other friendly nations that were unable to reach evacuation programs of their own governments. While unconfirmed rumors have popped up that there were places given to Ahranian civilians with valuable knowledge, foreign assets or ties to Variota, these rumors cannot be confirmed by Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten. When asked about the situation, Chairman J.D. Karrewasser of Varinco was more than willing to provide Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten with an in-depth interview:

''In reality, it was a clear choice. Either we could do nothing and have our stuff nationalized by communists that have never done the toil needed to get at the level of weapon manufacturing that we have arrived and let evil win or we could set up an evacuation program at no small cost in order to ensure that every Variotan in Ahrana and our livelihood was kept safe. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. And if anything, we at Varinco pride ourselves of being good men and women, the Proper Choice. 

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Chairman J.D. Kannewasser of Varinco, humanitarian benefactor and all-round good guy

And as the Proper Choice, we chose to aid those in need. In reality, it was a win-win situation. Between the transport planes that we were able to make available and a number of container and other such trade ships in the area, we were able to quickly put in place a way for our program to start operating. With the skilled Varinco security forces, aid from the Machine and covert aid from the HAP, we were able to move civilians to the airplanes and trade ships. While we feel that the civilians might not feel quite comfortable with their temporary container transportation units, we feel that this is a better option than death or getting the steely boot of some communist on your neck because you happen to own more than three potatoes and a goat.

We have indeed offered surplus transportation capacity to civilians of other nationalities as we feel it was near immoral not to do so. Due to the confidentially clause in my contract, I cannot give out details in regards to which nationalities we accepted but rest assured that those in need have been helped in an appropriate matter.''

 


 

The Ministry of Immigration: 'Ahranian Refugees welcome'

With the Ahranian situation getting more and more unstable, the Ministry of Immigration called for an emergency voting in regards to establishing an additional fund. This additional fund shall be aimed towards the relocation and integration of Ahranian refugees, primarily within smaller communities that have been hit by the general trend of urbanisation. Through this, the Ministry of Immigration feels that the integration of Ahranians will go the fastest, as they shall have to be an active part of their new community, while also enabling them to start up small businesses, revitalize local industries and improve the economic situation of Variota while ensuring them of a pleasant and productive life.

Ahranians currently working in the nation, numbered into the thousands, are able to apply for a prioritized immigration process. While it is unknown whether or not large amounts of them will accept this process, the chance of them returning to Ahrana has been deemed small. The vote in the Parliament was accepted with positive votes throughout all six chambers.

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Rottel Ronnie: If you ask me, there's a lot of interesting developments coming up

Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten's very own gossip maestro, the Foorste Heere fan'es Rottel, the genius of the grapevine, the senator of scandal, the Royal of Rumors, the one and only Rottel Ronnie has given us a selection of confirmed and unconfirmed tidbits that, as he says, will bring both us and you, the reader, in the loop of many interesting developments. While Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten cannot confirm any of these tidbits, Rottel Ronnie has been a well-seen and received guest within the Variotan socialite scene and anything he tells is sure to be interesting and often with atleast a core of truth.

 

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The Foorste Heere fan'es Rottel, the gossip maestro, the genius of the grapevine, the senator of scandal, the Royal of Rumors himself, Rottel Ronnie.

 

''You haven't got this from me but I have heard from a very well-informed source within that scene that Hete Henk will be making a new movie together with the Propagatie en Morraalmagt. From what I've heard, Hete Henk is very staunch in his dislike of communists and has taken it upon himself to make an adult movie with lookalikes of the head honchos of the Ahranian coup. I've heard titles such as Hete Henk and the Stretched Star, Hete Henk Wields His Meat Sickle and many more. Of course, as an staunchly straight man, I have no interest in such things but you know, it's an interesting tidbit.''

''With ATARA blasting off to a good start, I've heard multiple calls for additional cooperation between friendly nations in the area during parties with my politician friends and I don't mean the kind of cooperation of making sure that we can exchange our currency in other nations, if you get my meaning. Of course, as the Greatest Nation of Alharu, Variota will be a part of this. If you ask me, this will probably be a good thing as there's multiple threats in the area. I mean, there's the communists, terrorists, old world imperialists... I like the chances of our Hamburgers defending us but with the help of others, who's to say we can't stack that to make a Double Cheeseburger?''

''Everyone knows Altvarna and their small cars, we all love them. They make for great gifts, first vehicles, cheap to drive in. Now Altvarna has been taken over partially by those Prymontians, I've heard they're going to bring in foreign designers to work together. Now, am I a fan of KAP design? Yes and no. But it's for damn sure that anything coming out of that cooperation will be interesting!''

''Varinco had to pull out of Ahrana due to the coup. Now, I've heard through the grapevine that Karrewasser, one of my personal friends, was not happy with that. The King was a stable factor, an entity that could be swayed to see the wisdom in changing to Varinco equipment as their primary source of armaments. Now with the commies, they had to pull themselves up on their bootstraps and pull out faster than a ten Waarttemun hooker who forgot to bring condoms! And you just know that these communists aren't going to buy from us, I mean let's face it: Can we really trust deals we make with people that have no scruples to blow up a Royal? I think not!''

''Another tidbit regarding Ahrana, Varinco and my good, personal friend J.D. Karrewasser: I know for a fact that he's one not to forget and forgive. I wouldn't be surprised if Varinco would sponsor an Ahranian government in exile by cutting profits on weapons. And I mean, let's face it: We all know a government in exile is coming. The kangaroo courts that the commies have raised have not managed to grab everyone with a claim on the Kingdom and with international recognition being almost non-existent except for a couple of pushover nations that aren't worth the effort to spit on them, I'm sure we'll end up with a royal here or there that managed to escape that wants to bring back the Kingdom. I'm sure the citizens of Ahrana would also want this because let's face it, who wants to live under communism? Enjoy chewing on your raw turnips and drinking leftover pickle water guys, I'll stay here on the side of capitalism to enjoy my cigar, champagne and trophy women!''

''Who doesn't love Vooters and it's eggplant dishes? Everyone does! So, you know you haven't got this from me, I've heard that the marketing department is planning on bringing out a special one-of-a-kind line of sexy men underwear with the scent of eggplant built in! Think of like, some sort of high-tech scratch and sniff system! I wonder if it also works if you wear it inside out, that would be amazing! Imagine the fun you could have when you get aroused and the smell of eggplant wafts through the air as a sort of man musk due to the friction! It's truly an age of technological wonders that we live in!''

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Prunompetition 2017 - Newcomers 'Freedesstein Werklaagher' win Best Pruno Award!

At this year's Pruno Competition, lovingly called Prunompetition by the inmates, the newcomers of the Freedesstein Werklaagher (Freedesstein Workcamp) won the Best Pruno Award for their range of toilet brewed-and-fermented pruno. The best Pruno in their range, called Freedesstein's Festive Fortitude, is a special winter brew, infused with hints of cinnamon among others and made under the caring eye of a skilled team of inmates. Judges deemed it a smooth taste with the hint of spices tickling their palate, a pruno that can be as confidently served at a prison initiation rite as it can be at a fancy dinner. Part of the winning team's price is a three-day leave from the Werklaagher and a share of the profits from the Pruno, which will be sold throughout various Variotan supermarkets. This year's Prunompetition showed a difference from previous years as technological advances in toilet brewing meant that toilet pruno, often deemed the wine among pruno's, were made with greater quality control and end result. This made pruno made in showers and trash cans, often deemed the beers among pruno, look worse. The judges gave a honorable mention to the Grootwaterflakte Frauwen Bajis (Grootwaterflakte Women's Prison) and their shower-started, trash can-fermented Diva Brauw, a pink pruno made in recognition of Dina Diva's election victory.

The Freedesstein Werklaagher has declared that it is proud of it's Pruno Production Team and stated that they would be looking into the possibility of installing additional toilets so that the production of the FFF pruno and others in their pruno range can be upscaled. One of the inmates that Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten was able to speak to proclaimed: 'This is going to help me so much! I finally get to see my wife and children and with the proceeds of the pruno sales, I can start saving up for my daughter's college fund so she doesn't have to scam insurance agencies with fake accidents like her father!'

 

Phrenology making a comeback?

The Association for Unrecognised Science has put out a statement during a press conference that phrenology, the science of measuring someone's head in order to discover criminal tendencies, among others, is making a comeback. According to their spokesperson, who didn't want to give out his name with the explanation 'that you quasi-government lamestream-media types already know it anyway, don't lie to me', the Association was receiving more and more questions and requests for informational packages in regards to phrenology.

While the press conference in the Leegebet Hotel*** conference room started reasonably normal, reporters had to flee the room after the spokesperson took out measuring tongs and a strange hand drill/saw contraption as, in his opinion, 'more than one of you seem to have the cranial characteristics of mass murdering homosexual clowns and I'll be damned if I let you people escape back into the streets without lobotomizing you'. Luckily for Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten, our regular reporter assigned to fringe groups was sick and the reporter sent instead, normally assigned to military news, was able to funnel his experience as a former HAP soldier into clubbing the spokesperson for the Association for Unrecognised Science down with a chair.

Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten has paid for all the damages done to the chair.

Edited by Variota
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Variotan Whaling Union defends livelihood: 'Whales are the cows of the sea and we don't see you complaining about eating them!'

Hans-Frederik fan Bortentraaier, President of the Variotan Whaling Union, defended the activities as done by his association of whaling-related businesses in a speech given in the Parliament. A quick parliamentary meeting was called after the release of the recent @Prymontian whaling documentary, with the theme selected being 'Whaling: Whale we or whale we not continue with it?'. People were asked to dress appropriately to the theme, with some pro-whaling politicians coming to the meeting in traditional whale luring outfits. Fan Bortentraaier, himself the owner Walfisser Korp which maintains a fleet of six catcher ships, was quick to dismiss the Prymontian claims of the ships on picture being Variotan among addressing other issues.

''Let me begin by greeting everyone here. It's good to see that the Variotan parliament is still standing up for it's hardworking citizens and countrymen that simply attempt to earn a living through the completely safe and calculated usage of nature. As everyone knows, the Variotan Whaling Union has been on the forefront of supporting research into adequate and sustainable hunting figures and means as well as clean marine life waste disposal. We provide a death that is as humane as possible for a creature this size as well. People have to imagine that this isn't a little dog or a sheep that you can kill through a simple electrical shock. This is a beast that can grow as long as ten meters, so of course we have to fire specially-made ballistic harpoons from modified Varinco cannons to kill it. People should see this for what it is though, the equivalent of shooting a metal pin through the head of a cow. Except this cow swims and is called a whale. Additionally, these whales eat a surprisingly large amount of fish so in a clear cut way, we're additionally helping to keep the stocks of other fish up.''

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A delicious minke whale waiting to fulfill it's life purpose of feeding hungry Variotans

''The greatest injustice done to us by the Prymontian documentary was not ignoring our scientific sponsorship or the fact that we use almost everything we get off of a whale, however, but the fact that the ships that were filmed were not Variotan at all. None of the members of the Variotan Whaling Union had ships in the general area that the documentary was shot in, we have official documents stating that. Our estimate is that these were in fact Derthaler ships or ships of a different nation that attempted to disguise themselves as Variotan. The evidence really speaks for itself, the ships in the documentary are catching fin and sei whales, which the marine protection laws within Het Huisselant in fact prohibits. Instead, all ships of the Variotan Whaling Union exclusively catch the smaller minke whale, which is additionally deemed containing a better taste palette within their flesh and features a global population that has the capacity to maintain and grow itself in addition to being hunted.

I think the most important thing here is to return the prejudice felt to the proud whalers of Het Huisselant to the Prymontian public that was outraged. Do you eat sheep? Do you eat horses? Do you eat cows? A whale is basically the carnivorous cow of the sea and we don't hear you all complain when eating regular cows, do we? Once the entirety of Prymont stops eating cows, I'll re-kit my ships to give whale spotting tours instead of harpooning them. Until that time, I'm going to keep enjoying my whale steak, whale kebabs, whale stir fry, whale fin soup and keep on wearing my whale skin shoes. And I suggest that the rest of Het Huisselant and the world does so too!''

A spontaneous hashtag, #carnivorouscowofthesea, has begun trending within Het Huisselant in which people praise the sacrifices that Variotan whalers make in order to provide the Het Huisselant and the world with whale products and allow the whales to fulfill their life's purpose, being useful to humans.

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Parliament votes YES on establishment of Arctic Legion

In a sign of confidence towards the Huisselikke Aanfals en Protektiemagt, the Parliament voted unanimously in favor of the establishment of an Arctic Legion. The 'Arktise Legioen' will ensure an increase in practical and theoretical knowledge for the Huisselikke Aanfals en Protektiemagt within cold and arctic areas, arctic operations being an area of knowledge that the HAP remains inexperienced in. Varinco lobbyists were quick to applaud the action, stating that the practical experience of the Arktise Legioen will enable them to produce specific or improved versions of their current production that are better suited for the temperatures reached in arctic regions, such as those found in the United States of @Prymont, a fellow TRIDENT nation.

 

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This could be YOU! Join the Arktise Legioen TODAY and receive a ₩1000 sign up bonus!

 

Retired General Henk Linkefaaier, Variotan Minister of the Armed Forces, looked pleased during the press conference acknowledging this historic decision. Flanked by the first two Arktise Legioen participants, Soltaat Erik fan Koksdaal and Speesjaal-Geen'raal Daniel Kornelissen, the Minister had this to say:

''As it stands, it's quite simple. We lack knowledge in a certain area, one that can become very important within the blink of an eye. Many think that the military only exists to kill but we also exist to learn, to properly do that without losing our own men. If we were forced or otherwise made to send forces to extremely cold or even arctic areas, we would not be doing anyone a favor. Our men deserve to go into battle knowing that there is practical knowledge going into our plans, into their equipment. Our allies deserve to have a force joining them that won't end up sending its men in the military equivalent of a bikini. The Arktise Legioen allows us just that, to enable us to make proper plans backed by practical knowledge, to fine-tune equipment to the situation and improve our weaponry through Varinco's knowledgeable and highly talented scientists and engineers.

The vote of the Parliament is not just a vote to start up the Arktise Legioen, it's a vote of confidence in the HAP and our vision and plans for the future. With the great pool of leadership and great command that the HAP has, it was not easy to decide the right man for the job but I feel that we have the right man in the form of Speesjaal-Geen'raal (Special General) Daniel Kornelissen. Already, we have been able to fill in the first hundred men from within our ranks with fine young men and women such as Soltaat fan Koksdaal here signing themselves up voluntarily for the force. This is a clear sign of confidence from within the HAP ranks that the Arktise Legioen will turn out as an exemplary force, a beacon of pride for everyone within Het Huisselant. The other nine-hundred men and women that will make up the force will be enlisted from willing and fresh men and women with the HAP providing them with a very healthy and sizable bonus of ₩1000. Once those have received the training they need, they will join their brethren in arctic areas to get acclimated to the climate and circumstances. I'm sure those first hundred will be able to provide them with all the support and training they will need. Do us proud, Arktise Legioen!''

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Attempted disruption of pre-election rally leads to broken nose and crying by opponents

During an pre-election rally held by the new political party 'Toekomst!' ('Future!') in a Grootwaterflakte shopping mall, left-wing protesters attempted to disrupt said rally and the speech given by Minister Reemy Loopentlant, Minister of Diplomatic Affairs and the party leader of the new Toekomst! political party. Minister Loopentlant, a veteran within the Variotan political scene, has run on independent and Laagher Party tickets before but recently decided to form his own party with Dr. D.L. fan Boerlant-Varra, best known internationally for coming last in the Incidental Foorste Heere fan'es Ferantwortelik fan'es Folke election on the Laagher Party ticket. Toekomst! calls itself a national-conservative right-wing party attempting to institute a multi-level direct democracy with qualified experts leading the Ministries, further attempting to instill and instate Variotan ideals and values in each decision, situation and layer of society.

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A rare picture of an Apparath agent from Bureau 13, keeping the disruption in his sights and ready to step in when needed

With hundreds of people gathering to hear both Minister Lopentlant and Dr. fan Boerlant-Varra speak in regards to their vision for the future Variotan society and political scene, the political rally started without issues. Thirty minutes into Minister Lopentlant's speech, however, a group of twenty self-proclaimed anti-fascists entered the scene. While this ragtag bunch of social justice warriors managed to show proper human decency in the beginning by letting Lopentlant continue his speech without issues, they attempted to disrupt it when Minister Lopentlant stated that 'the far left would let Het Huisselant descent into a spiral of destruction, loss of quality of life and worthlessness of one's effort put in one's life and work as seen in horrific places such as Communist Ahrana', that 'myself, Dr. fan Boerlant-Varra and many of the justifiably proud Variotans would not let that happen to Het Huisselant' and that 'it's a sad day when the only thing citizens can be proud of, if they don't think too deep and look at the actual situation, is blatant propaganda spread around by delusional left-wing agitators'.

The group of twenty then attempted to make their way to the front to, according to their own words, 'bash the fash' and 'show them who is boss'. Luckily for both Minister Lopentlant and Dr. fan Boerlant-Varra, they had arranged for security for the rally. Members of the West Variotan Association of Adult Entertainers and Actors' Folke Milisie, the 'Paallen fan Proteksie' (Poles of Protection), kept the group from reaching the stage. While the group's resolve and morale wavered at the sight of actual resistance, they kept screaming meaningless slogans such as 'the right seeks to remove the voice of the disenfranchised' prompting Dr. fan Boerlant-Varra to respond with 'You fools deserve a taste of my f*cking shoe! Do you even know what we are about? Of course you do not for your minds are as empty and devoid of reason as your ideology! Direct democracy! DIRECT! We will give everyone a voice! Go back to your basement!'.

While agents of Het Apparath were on site to take away any disrupting parties, the situation eventually resolved itself when one of the self-proclaimed anti-fascist group called out a challenge to fight with anyone in the crowd in an attempt to show how to 'bash the fash'. That person was extremely unlucky as the crowd included former heavyweight champion boxer Bas Baalenmaaker, who will be running on spot 20 of Toekomst!'s list of candidates. While the person attempted to back out after spotting the heavyweight making his way towards him, Baalenmaaker had no intention to do so and with one swift swoop, broke the nose of the challenger. This event led the group to scatter and take off, allowing the rally to continue after a short disruption of twenty minutes.

Police officers discussed the event with Baalenmaaker afterwards but have stated that the challenger and his group were at that point threatening violence on the entire group of people at the rally and, due to the action by Baalenmaaker not being deemed excessive, will not be pressing any charges against Baalenmaaker. Police officers are still searching for the twenty demonstrators in regards to their 'disruption of a public event' and 'mass threats of bodily injuries and/or death'. Citizens who feel that they might have information in regards to the identities of these twenty are encouraged to speak to their local police officers.

All running political parties have denounced the disrupting demonstrators, with many candidates speaking out against this attempt to silence others in person. Waldemar Kewastemere, leader of the Kaltoer Party, stated: 'Minister Lopentlant and myself don't see eye to eye in many situations. That's just how politics work, that doesn't make me want to bash his face in but that merely inspires me to provide the best evidence, the best discussion possible so that we end up agreeing or respecting each other's stance. The people that attempted to disrupt his rally should be ashamed, I feel every citizen in Het Huisselant should pride themselves on the fact that we have always listened to each side, always allow each side to state their case. This is what makes us great, this is what has worked throughout history. This attempt at violence is obviously coming from outside citizens, those that have not yet fully embraced the Variotan culture. That's sad and they deserve help.'

An internet group calling themselves the 'Communist Army of Variota', stating they draw inspiration from places and groups such as the communists in Ahrana and their violent ways of taking over, have claimed responsibility for the action and have stated that Minister Reemy Loopentlant, Dr. Diederick Leopold fan Boerlant-Varra and Bas Baalenmaaker are now on their 'bash the fash' hit list. When asked about it by Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten, all three stated that they are not afraid and have received reassuring messages from both the police and Het Apparath in regards to the group.

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FerPors spokesperson: Markets such as Fulgistan maintain growth for our products

In it's biyearly address to the nation, the Fereinigung fan Porsleinmaakers (Association for Porcelain Producers and Crafters) declared that the market for porcelain products had maintain it's all-round growth in the face of adversity within the Argic continent and rising tensions among nations of the world. While, historically, economists were quick to declare the porcelain market as one that would collapse in the 00's, FerPors has managed to keep and grow its membership figures and general member income throughout the years. As many that are interested in the porcelain world know, that has been primarily done by focusing themselves on niche porcelain markets.

One such market that the spokesperson for FerPors praised in the biyearly address was the neighboring @Fulgistani market. While one would generally figure communists to have no leftover funds for decorative pieces such as the ones made by FerPors, the Fulgistani porcelain market has shown itself to be extremely open to masterwork craftsmanship as shown by the craftsmen and women of FerPors. Fulgistani citizens wealthy enough, or having saved long enough, to afford a FerPors statue are rapidly buying horse statues and proudly displaying them in a prominent location within their homes. While the porcelain horse market historically remained mainly located within Variota and primarily among the few Reisigers clans that remain and Fulgistani emigrants, current horses find themselves primarily shipped to Fulgistan proper.

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An example of the master craftsmanship of the Fereinigung fan Porsleinmaakers

It seems that the Fulgistani culture, situated for a large part around horses, has ensured a large market for FerPors and a market to stay, if sales numbers are to be trusted. Of course, many quality porcelain pieces from Het Huisselant dated from before the Fulgistani revolution still exist within the nation and many members feel that this may have contributed towards the renewed interest of the Fulgistani's, showing that FerPors porcelain remains an heirloom for the generations to come if treated well. Whether this sentiment reveals to be true among the Fulgistani's remains the question but as it stands, one cannot deny their craving for Variotan horse statues.

Porcelain boat statues have shown a slight increase in average sales price as well as an increase in amounts sold with domestic and international markets showing great interest in collectible limited editions for both horse and boat statues. While exact numbers were not available, FerPors could reveal that the Pink Diva Pony range of statues, inspired, partially-designed and approved by Dina Diva saw one of the greatest sales figures internationally while the Flags of Het Huisselant Pony range saw one of the greatest sales figures domestically. On certain levels, one could compare the Variotan love for porcelain boats with the Fulgistani love for porcelain horses and draw conclusions that we're somewhat similar.

Other highlights of the evening included the revealing of new models, including one celebrating the Fulgistani porcelain horse statue love. Called the Fulgistani Pride Pony, the horse is painted as the Fulgistani flag while in a galloping pose on rainbow-colored grass. The FerPors spokesperson said: This statue celebrates the nation, the people, the horses. Standing on rainbow grass to depict the unity under the flag or stomping on the liberal forces to keep them from corrupting the nation, depending on how you look at it and feel about it. Either way, very collectible and we're sure it will be a best seller.

Edited by Variota
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Star of the moment Cherry Vooters declares: This isn't the last you'll hear about the Vooters Food Group growing!

Who does not know the Vooters Food Group? Owner and operator of delightful ventures such as the Vooters Chestaurants, where scantily-clad men serve and entertain you during your meal, Vooters Air, where scantily-clad men do the same during your flight, Snelkoop mini marts and since recently, LuDistilleries. And in front of every rising company is a rising star, the mastermind of it all. Within the Vooters Food Group, this position is held by the talented Cherry Vooters.

Lauded alumni of the University of Ferrefaaierhafen and proud Ferrefaaierhafenaar, he can often be found cruising the streets in his Vooters-purple convertible, often filled with an entourage of men that wouldn't look bad in one of his many Chestaurants. His fur and high heel collections know no equal among the socialites of Ferrefaaierhafen and his make-up, repeatedly mentioned in tabloids, has led him to release a series of vlogs with tips for men and women wanting to improve. He regularly parties with important faces such as Waldemar Kewastemere, Kaltoer Party leader, and was declared 'Most Influential Businessperson Under 30' by Kwoot in 2017.

But what drives this amazing man? What are his goals? Is he seeing someone? Those are the important questions here. And Het Waare Raket fan het Noorten has the answers for you. Gracefully allowing us to meet him at his favorite restaurant, the Vooters in the Heerefal Casino Resort, we picked his brain about all things Vooters.

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The rising star of Variotan business, Cherry Vooters, wearing Vooters purple lipstick.

Cherry, can we call you Cherry?

For sure, darling. Cherry will do just fine. Did I ever tell the story about why I changed it?

No, you did not. Please, go ahead.

Thanks babe. So, as I'm sure you know that Cherry isn't my original name. Like, who the f*ck in Variota would name their child after the English name for a kers? Name the fruit after a fruit, that's some high level irony hahaha. But, you know how it goes. You get a nice Limonaian boy toy with some apparent form of speech impediment because he can't pronounce Jerry right and suddenly it becomes Cherry. And you can't dump the guy because he's a contortionist and does stuff that would put another person in the hospital. So you live with it and him for a couple of months before the trick gets old and then you find out that everyone keeps calling you Cherry even after he's been deported back to Limonaia.

And it sort of stuck, you know. So I had my name legally changed from Joris to Cherry. Cherry has become a part of me, you know? Ask a person about Vooters and they think of our ventures. Ask a person about Cherry and you can be bloody sure they'll try to point you to a grocery store, try to sell you the fruit or mention me once they know you're talking about a person.

You recently acquired LuDistilleries for five-hundred million Waarttemun, an amount that some deem to be too much, Vooters Air has been up and running for a while now, these are all costs. There seem to be new Vooters locations opening every day, Snelkoop is expanding. Critics say that you're overextending.

Haters gonna hate. The Vooters Food Group has always been an environment, a company, a community where we keep a daring mentality. When my father founded it in 1979, Vooters was a gamble. Would people love the formula of getting served a menu of meat and or eggplant-based dishes by gorgeous men in very little clothing? And it worked. And it has kept on working. All our ventures are working, all our ventures are making a profit. When you want a good meal with the family or with the boys at a reasonable price, where do you go? Girls night out? Vooters. Because Vooters has good food, proper drinks, eye candy and entertainment at a reasonable price. Fun for the whole family. You're pumping gas and your kid shouts out 'Dad, I want some nachos!' or 'Dad, get me some chocolate!'. Snelkoop is there, making your kids happy and making money from it.

Vooters Air has been running flights with a higher occupancy rate than other airlines on our routes. Our formula works. And critics are often quick to exaggerate. Vooters Air is a joint venture with Bel-Aires, an airline from Beleareas. They provide the airplanes and pilots, we handle the whole in-flight situation. Costs for that have been great and it's working out. Other airlines will have to work twice as long to come towards the black as we have to do, as all the components we needed were already in existence. They had the airplanes and pilots, we have the brand, the food, the staff and logistics needed. Things came together and it's just great when it does, you know?

And really, expect us to expand even more. I've already put plans in motion to consolidate the minority shares Vooters Food Group has in various supermarkets in order to found our very first chain of hypermarkets. If all goes well, the world will soon be able to enjoy the Valmart formula. Good quality products at low prices, regular bargains that we've been able to buy at liquidation sales and such, Vooters Express locations in the larger ones. And all the employees will wear a construction worker version of the Vooters uniform or a security guard version of it. Real hard hats, safety boots and of course a protective cup. It'll be so much fun!

And the LuDistilleries?

Well, listen. We own Kippervos, right? They are premium brand vodka, everyone will agree. Dina Diva herself is a great fan of our caramel vodka, I'll have you know. LuDistilleries maintains a fair market share in an entire different bracket of vodkas. LuVodka has seen recent popularity with the youth for it's relatively low price and by hipsters because it comes from a 'real' country. If Lukinagrad is so 'real', why not go even realer and drink Bahinese vodka? They must be the real OG's for these people but when I ask them that, all they can do is fish mouth me. You know, when they just to that mouth thingey without speaking? So annoying.

Oooh, this gives me an idea to buy a Bahinese distillery. Do they have distilleries? I honestly don't know. Anyway, LuDistilleries is making profit already and with our expertise, that can only grow. And the price? Well, I think it was just right. That money is going to be pumped back into Lukinagrad by fan Lukansestatt and his ministers and that's something that can only end up benefiting us in the end. When people have more to spend, they buy more of our products. It's a win-win.

And the people end up gaining something as well, as all employees will be given a share of the profits. You know why? Because this will make them recommend LuDistilleries products to friends and family, they'll work and perform harder as they have a stake in it. And that share of the profits improves their life, pays for education, pays for necessities. Healthier, happier employees that pass on the loyalty to our businesses to their children. And those children will have a better chance at education, leading to a greater pool of educated workers we can hire here. Educated workers with a good bias towards us. It's a win-win. Goodwill always pays back, who does good receives good things.

Are you seeing anyone?

No, I'm keeping it casual at the moment. I wouldn't say all different guys each night but certainly one guy changes each night out of the four. Some stay for a second or third day, you know how it is. It's the Vooters purple convertible, I think. It makes their nipples tingle from the wind. Or maybe it's my massive eggplant. I have a refrigerated display for it and any time it goes bad, I have the workers in the nearby distribution center find me a massive eggplant to replace it with. But yeah, just keeping it casual. 

With all the work I do, I just want to relax and hang back, you know? It's why I like eating in a Vooters, it's familiar. Hold on.

At this point, Cherry quickly grabs the ass of a passing waiter while saying 'Daddy likes! Rawr!'. They quickly exchange phone numbers before interview continues.

Where was I? Oh yeah, it's just very familiar. Everyone feels like family here and since I own the place, all I need to decide is if I want to leave a tip. I'm going to give that guy a huge tip... I mean, leave him a huge tip. Yeah.

Thanks Cherry.

You're welcome, babe. You're kinda cute yourself, what's your number?

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Elections officially scheduled by Parliament; What do you need to know?

Het Hart fan'es Folke fan'es Huisselant has officially scheduled the elections. Variotans all over the world have seen the speeches, advertisements and other lobbying methods that attempt to sway the vote for the Kaamer fan'es Folke and the Kaamer fan Variota. Three hundred and fifty seats are up for grabs with over thirty parties vying for power. The other elected chambers, the Kaamer fan'es Kommunes, Kaamer fan Klan Reierfer and the Kaamer fan'es Lant will follow in the next few months. The new Kaamer fan Lukinagrad has seen recent elections in it's previous form and has thus been okayed to decline participation in this round of elections.

Due to the high amount of parties participating in the election of the Kaamer fan'es Folke, foreigners and Variotans alike are often wondering just what is what. For these citizens, Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten has sent out its best political journalists and tasked them with compiling a list of 'high flyers' and 'downers' in order to aid the average voter in choosing where to put his or her vote.

High Flyers:

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Who: Minister Reemy Lopentlant and his new party, Toekomst! 
What: 
A newly-founded national-conservative right-wing party attempting to institute a multi-level direct democracy, further attempting to instill and instate Variotan ideals and values in each decision, situation and layer of society.
Why: Toekomst! has managed to rally a large share of disenfranchised voters from parties such as Groep Tonny Linkefoet, the Partij fan'es Keelpijppassage and the Algemeiner Partij fan'es Minterheit. With citizens drawing more to either side of the political spectrum in recent years and with the well-recognized face of Reemy Lopentlant, currently Minister of Diplomatic Affairs, as its party leader, chances are high that Toekomst! will gain enough seats to ensure their influence in coming decisions. Since its founding, Lopentlant has managed to draw in various interesting figures, including Dr. fan Boerlant-Varra, known for coming last in the election that made Dina Diva Foorste Frauwe fan'es Ferantwortelik fan'es Folke. In recent days, he has also received endorsements from popular musical duo Kelterrakkers and their mentor, Auwe Rukker, which should attract votes from the younger demographic.

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Who: Quintana Wijnmaaker and her party Kristelik Variota
What: Kristelik Variota is a centre-right party following its own brand of Christian Democracy. It promotes conservative stances on issues such as immigration and the environment but at the same time maintains progressive stances on issues such as welfare.
Why: Variotans are flocking to the sound of Christian Democracy, a sound that is very much Variotan and following Variotan values. Kristelik Variota serves as a middle ground for many, not as right-wing as Konserfatief Kristelik Huisselant nor leftist like the Alliansie fan'es Heer. Wijnmaaker and her party have done extremely well in polls as she has supported various popular issues such as the start of the Reierferplattoterp Nuclear Power Plant, Het Huisselant's joining of TRIDENT and the foundation of the Arktise Legioen. Unlike the other two Christian Democracy parties which remain unaffiliated with either of the three existing coalitions, Kristelik Variota is part of the Koalisie fan'es Waarre Folke (Coalition of the True People) and will be able to draw on a larger amount of experience and knowledge than the others.

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Who: Wilm Haak and his party Alharuns Belang
What: Alharuns Belang is a centre-left party that believes in leveraging and creating Variotan influence in order to improve the entire continent. Unlike the other two successors of the Centraale Partij, the Partij fan'es Keelpijppassage and the Algemeiner Partij fan'es Minterheit, Alharuns Belang believes that this should be done on the continent alone and through favoured states, those following Variotan directions and following Variotan ideals.
Why: The three successor parties have always vied for the right to claim the vacant 'throne' of the Centraale Partij and while the PfK and the APfM maintain a large membership base, they never managed to beat the tenacious Wilm Haak and his Alharun Belang. The joining of Lukinagrad within Het Huisselant has dampened the voting base of the two other parties and voters are now searching for a new party, a party that is willing and able to represent their new wishes. With all three following the same base principles, it is estimated that Wilm Haak and Alharuns Belang will see a large influx of voters and might double or triple his seats within the Kaamer fan'es Folke. While they might not share the same vision on certain issues, Reemy Loopentlant and Wilm Haak have proclaimed that they would be extremely interested in working together after the elections; sharing the vision of a stronger, better future following Variotan ideals and values. This could lead to a new political coalition.

 

Downers:

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Who: Waldemar Kewastemere and his party the Kaltoer Partij
What: Originally a right-wing party turned centre-left under the vision of Waldemar Kewastemere, the party has turned its message of the supremacy of Variotan culture into a softer one of spreading Variotan culture through creative solutions.
Why: The younger voters massively voted on the Kaltoer Partij in the 2015 elections, giving the party 39 seats and turning it in the largest one in the Kaamer fan'es Folke; a position it still maintains. However, bad management, lack of success in the parliament and various politicians shifting their allegiance to other parties has left voters disenfranchised and the Kaltoer Partij down to thirty seats. While the party set up an extensive political campaign to attempt to remedy this disenfranchisement, Waldemar declined to participate as the dates clashed with his own concert tour throughout Variota. This decision has further established the feeling with the younger vote that Waldemar and the Kaltoer Partij are more hot air and less hot stuff; instead choosing to vote for established leftist politicians such as Wilm Haak or even turning to right politicians such as Quintana Wijnmaaker or Reemy Lopentlant.

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Who: Rakesh fan Ferredaal and his party the Rooie Asosiasjie
What: The Rooie Asosiasjie is the only nationwide party in Variota proclaiming the virtues of communism. The party advocates centralization of the economy under the government in order to be able to accurately divide it among the workers of the nation, a basic income paid to the citizens of Het Huisselant from profits of state-owned enterprises and the disestablishment the current federation as it stands, turning it into one of local democracy; entailing dissolution of the parliament, replacing it with provincial parliaments and each province joining the federation.
Why: Communism has never been popular in Variota after the Left Menace, additionally the Variotan values have generally ensured that welfare and equality are not seen as leftist. This has taken away most of the voters to less extreme parties. While the Rooie Asosiasjie reached four seats in the previous elections, it remains unknown if they can maintain that with the current trend of voters turning to the right. Instead, it is estimated that many of the RA voters will turn to the other parties of the Roos-Rooie Koalitie, of which the RA is a part of. The only place where the RA isn't estimated to lose votes is the province of Ferredaal, the traditional bastion of the party and home province of Rakesh fan Ferredaal. It doesn't help that there are no genuinely affluent communistic nations in the world, most instead crawling in the swamp of poverty or the mud of mediocrity.

 

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Herman Kokkiemaaler: By expanding our creation, we're increasing integration and acceptation

The illustrious patriarch of the Kokkiemaaler Klan, Herman Kokkiemaaler, made his voice known during a harvest feast in the Unie fan Kommunes. Shaking hands and hugging with high-rollers of the Unie fan Kommunes such as Lantheere Sjaak fan Oliefaaier, owner and head of the fan Oliefaaier Kommune, ATARA Delegate and seated politician within the Kaamer fan'es Folke, and Ronnie Hiltgaar, Eerste Heere fan'es Folke, it was clear to see that this man remains well-connected. While many within Variota primarily know him from his myriad of love and peace-promoting songs from the 70s and 80s, for which he wasn't loved by the Neo-Walensian cabinets, he has remained active in the background, investing the Kokkiemaaler Klan's funds into successful ventures such as the marijuana farms of the Unie fan Kommunes, the erectile dysfunction medicine 'Slipin', the Vooters Chestaurants and the Brothel chain 'Bulgistan'.

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Herman Kokkiemaaler, a living legend

When approached by the reporter from Het Waarre Raket fan het Noorten, Herman was quick to accept to giving an interview. A man not afraid to speak his mind and give you the unsalted truth, the interview began with simple pleasantries and ended with Herman's opinion on the recent inclusion of Lukinagrad within Het Huisselant. On the question if this was a good thing, Herman was quick to answer:

''Of course this is a good thing. You have to imagine that people originally thought that Het Huisselant was only for the 'true' people, the Variotans. We spread throughout our lands and only really found savages so you can't really blame that mindset. We were cultured, technologically advanced on the ships that we had called our homes for so long. And we murdered and cut our way into a new home, not out of spite but rather out of necessity. After all, it was not as if those people were willing to sell us land or otherwise co-exist and there wasn't a way for us to continue our old lifestyle. The new world, as we called it, wasn't a place of development, a place of civilization as Europa was. Nowadays though, I'd say we have enough culture and civilization to beat Europa combined. With we, I obviously mean Het Huisselant.

In the colonization times, we shared our people with the world, we ensured a good place for ourselves. We ensured prosperity and progress for ourselves and through that, everyone else. There's no people that can genuinely say that the Variotans treated them wrong, treated them less than other people would. And many of those ties still exist, still remain fresh enough to see about strengthening our ties, our connections. Lukinagrad, or Lukansestatt as some still like to call it, is just the first test to prove to ourselves that we're able to close these people into our hearts, to include them into the wealth that we have created. The world as it stands is one of fragments, spheres of influence. We have one and my opinion is that we shouldn't be afraid to use it, improve it, expand it. 

Our creation is Het Huisselant, the Homeland, and I can justly say that I haven't met a citizen that didn't feel at home here. That feeling, that bond is something we need to share. And by expanding our creation, we're increasing integration and acceptation. The Lukans are the first but who has the authority to say that the Bahinese, the Meboojians, the Fulgistanis don't deserve the same? No one has. What nation is better to its citizens? Where does one have a better chance at success, even if he has nothing but the clothes on his back? Where can people feel more pride in their nation? Nowhere. 

The problem was that we've been too cautious with including people into our fold, including people into our loving embrace, into Het Huisselant. I say, no more. In a time of fragmentations, let us be the game master, let us be the enigmatologist that puts the puzzle pieces together into one big Huisselant. From the Keelpijppassage to the Manamana Bay, one big Huisselant of love, progress, integration and acceptance.''

 

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